Contrary to crazy reports, Ianto Jones has not been "removed" from life. He's just been "removed" from the 21st century.

I know because I was there when he was "removed" and he was breathing just fine, for fuck's sake.

See this shrine? It's touching. But wrong-headed.


No need for this outpouring of love for my butler
So many weeping civilians...! Hell, I get it. I'd probably weep too if Ianto died. My nose would flow with grief and sadness. My baby blue eyeballs would be swollen with tears...I'd look gorgeous, but pained! But that's not what happened, folks.

I don't care what Mermaid Quay Management has to say about it.

(We had to put up a notice at the Tourist Office to explain what really happened...)

LIVEJOURNAL TO ME:

ask_aboutcoffee's birthday is coming up!

Hi ask_captainjack,

ask_aboutcoffee's birthday is coming up on August 19!

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( I know for fuck's sake! I saw the whiteboard reminder. )

I got a letter taped to my forehead this morning. It's funny how requests for advice follow me into the 53rd century!

Don't worry, I quickly shot this problem in the face.

-----------------
Dear Captain Jack,

I need your help!

Not long ago I was swept up in a technological mishap that moved me, my entire team of colleagues, and my husband to the 53rd century. Now don't get me wrong -- I love the 53rd century! The fashion is amazing, the food is good (piggin is kind of an acquired taste) and the blankets are just right for cocooning.

The problem is that there was supposed to be this documentary aired about us in the 21st Century, and I never got to see it. Well, this past week the "RetroBeeb" holochannel was playing a re-run, so I settled in to watch it with my husband, my dog Max, and a huge bowl of hyperpopcorn. Paradise, right?

WRONG.

( OH HEY. You watched CHILDREN OF EARTH! Guess what kids, I'm giving you a "gift"... )

Ready for Children of Earth, you GQ muthafuckahs?

I'll be watching with you on my new fandom LJ snaxcident. (It's what you call a snack-related accident.)

I'd love to friend you so we can stay in touch!

So you know what you'd be getting into, the kinds of things I blog about tend to the LULZY. I also go to a bunch of movie festivals throughout the year and can give you a heads up on awesome films.

For ask_captainjack I'm going to clean up the links and sidebar to include all related materials. There are related fics being written that are so damn fine!

I'll also go and title some of the posts in the "Classic Advice" to get more on the sidebar. And of course, there's always the possibility of an Ask Captain Jack Christmas Special...

You might like to...
Check out PC Andy's amazing askverse_fic com.
Check out spiderine's smoking hot Martha/Hart porn "Night Watch"
Check out neifile7's Epic Poem of LOLZ: The love song of A. ROFLd Trusock
Check out amand_r's oddly touching Weevil POV (D)evolution
Download 51stcenturyfox 's Ask World Soundtrack (these songs are kick ass, everyone contributed)

THANK YOU SO MUCH for beating my charity challenge by giving £5 and £1 donations to Comic Relief. I was hoping for £50 but you raised over £80. In my homeland's Canadian bucks that's $150, holy shit. As copperbadge  said, "We bought a guy a melon stall!".
www.myrednoseday.com/askcaptainjack 

Wipe your tears and work my poll, why dontcha!



Poll #1424239 My awesome poll
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None, participants: 158

I was convinced Ask Captain Jack was...

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( THANK YOU FOR AN AWESOME SIX MONTHS )

( Do you know how to work a 53rd century postcard? Click on the link! )

Dear Captain Jack




What does love feel like?

I guess this is a stupid question.

- Megan

( There are no stupid questions on Livejournal, Megan. )

Ever since I showed you my bitchin' beta work I've been getting requests for more of my bitchin' fan fictions. I don't like to disappoint the Internets, so please enjoy the following!

Title: The Adventure of the Wild, Wild West
Author: ask_captainjack
Beta: ask_captainjack
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen is also in the story but not sexually active
Warnings: Face-shooting, hurt/comfort, time-travel, awesomeness
Summary: Torchwood travels into the American Wild West to save the day!
Timeline: This story takes place after The Adventure of the Three Gay Unicorns because Toshiko and Owen are dead. :-(
Author Note: Still grieving the loss of Toshiko and Owen so am only accepting positive criticism. By that I mean compliments.

( Click to read my bitchin' fan fiction! )

 

Dear Captain Jack,

I am writing because I saw in your last advice column that you defended a thesis on the SPRAY THE MUTHAFUCKIN SCENE, MUTHFUCKAH! technique in Battle School. I'm working on my thesis right now. It's not about spraying the scene with bullets, though. Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time with it.

I have never had such a hard time writing anything in my life. I go out of my way to procrastinate with long, hard sessions of house-cleaning in nothing but my lingerie, long periods of time surfing XTube online literary magazines, and midday naps (also nearly naked). When I get up the courage to write, it's like I have to fight for every sentence. This has gone on for months, and my thesis advisor is getting exasperated with me. Not to mention, I'm getting exasperated with myself.

I was hoping you could either heal my writer's block with your cock, or share your experiences thesis-defending in Battle School in order to help me realize what I'm doing wrong, and give me some tips on getting through this thesis so I emerge as the sexy academic superstar I know I can be. Help me, Captain Jack! Help me shoot this thesis in the face!

Love and titties,
Smart Is Sexy

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( It's easy to get distracted when you're so brainy! I understand that intimately. )

Dear Captain Jack,

Okay. Here we go then. There's this guy, and I like him a lot. I'm not talking like I want to make the beast with two backs or nothing, but he's a nice dude and I value his bon mots, even though we are just online "friends". You couldn't see me make the air quotes, but imagine that I quoted the hell out of the air just then.

There's one problem. He doesn't know my name! I don't mean that he doesn't know who I am, I mean that he keeps getting it wrong! I don't get it. My name is right there in my livejournal replies. When he gets an email notification that I've replied to a comment, my name is right there in the box: "amand-r has replied to a comment in your livejournal entry!"

I've been called many things on the internet, and I understand that in the excitement that is the BLOGOSPHERE, there are bound to be miscommunications. It just makes me a sad panda to see that MY NAME IS REPEATEDLY INCORRECT.

Should I shoot this dude in the face? Or is that too harsh? I was thinking of writing a strongly-worded passive-aggressive email. Or maybe I could go to the secret organization where he works and like, make paper airplanes with the correct spelling of my name and just toss them down into the hole in the ground whenever the "invisible lift" opens. (Wow, I'm really slamming the air quotes today!)

What do you think? Would a fruit basket work? Baked goods? I see that there's a new bakery/delivery service called "Strumpets N' Crumpets." Perhaps he'd be more inclined to listen to me if I sent a stripper armed with traditional British tea fare. Or maybe I should send lube? I hear that lube often takes the friction out of uncomfortable situations.

Love, kisses and paper airplanes (smeared with lube),

Amand-r
--------------------

( Darling, how many shekels of silver is it going to take to make this right? )

Dear Captain Jack,

Here I was, living in the first few years of the twenty-first century, and feeling really good about how all-inclusive we were all being. I mean, men and women, men and men, women and women, dogs and cats, it all seemed so wonderful and idyllic.

But now I find I'm in a Miss Manners Etiquette Quandary from Hell. Only Captain Jack can answer this one for me.

My husband and I are very close friends with a lesbian couple (get your mind out of the gutter, Harkness -- this is an etiquette question). And he has donated his sperm to them for them to have a baby. The baby's about to be born. The two women are the baby's mothers, and clearly my husband is the father.

But what do I refer to myself as?

Surely by the 51st century, familial groupings have totally different names to them. Is there an appropriate title that I can use?

Questioningly yours,
the-wife-of-the-guy-whose-sperm-is-about-to-become-the-infant-of-a-lesbian

-------------------

( The mention of lesbians isn't enough to put my mind in the gutter. What are the lesbians wearing? )

Dear Captain Jack, I was going to write you a much longer email begging for your help but outlook ATE IT while I was typing. *kicks microsoft*

I guess I'll get to the point...... Shoot this 21st century problem if you could!

I find my job boring. I'm good at what I do and it's reasonable hours (9-5) but it's not my passion. The economy isn't stable these days so I'm pleased just to be working and making really good money. When I think about it its probably the best salary I've ever had for the work I do in my field.

My girlfriend likes that I'm making money but since she's an artist she prefers that I have a cool job too as I did when we met. A friend of hers from school is a professional psychic - lets call her Mara - who reads auras for a living. My girlfriend (who is not crazy honestly) thinks Mara can look at my aura and give me career direction. I've been fighting going to see this woman with all my might. I don't think she can know what's best for me by holding my palm. You used to be a con man, what do you think?

- Skeptical in California -

------------------------

( This may come as a shock to you, but I can read auras! )

Dear darling Captain Jack, are you guys going to participate in Blog Like It's The End of the World Day next saturday? The way it works is that on June 13th you post on your blog (livejournal) that zombies are attacking. You describe what's going on in your spot in the world and link to other journals. You'll see people tagging 'bliteotw'.

CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP !!! 

It's insanely fun, we all did it last year. I thought of you when I saw the emails for this year. By The Way I think of you A LOT (sexily maybe?). 

I'm sending you some internet kisses xxxx P.C. MANDY
------
( Sorry, I didn't have time to pretend zombies are attacking. I had to fight fucking zombies! )

Have you ever been to the WHSmith at the airport? I mean, deliberately?

I FUCKING LOVE IT. The miserable feeling of solidarity with other trapped travellers. The shitty awesome books.

I like to wander around and poke at the paperbacks you can take with you (in your hands) when you travel. Torchwood never flies commercial. When folks ask, "When does your flight depart?" I just LOL and lean on something in a jaunty manner. "Whenever I say it does, sweetheart."

In the 51st we don't have spaceport book shops. We just have laminated transporter pad safety instructions. You're supposed to read the card on the wall before you beam out, but nobody does.

I've always been jealous of Stephen King. Do you know who I mean? He writes movies that used to be books. His paperbacks have bitchin' covers. EVEN THE BOOK ABOUT STEPHEN KING HAS A BITCHIN' COVER.

The spooky font is coming out of his head!



I have always felt that I deserve a fanfuckingtastic cover for my literature. But who would make one? Ianto is busy doing laundry. Martha is busy giving Ianto laundry. Hart only scrawls penises. Gwen can only draw men with fat noses :o) <-- WTF is that supposed to be? Rhys, I guess.

Fortunately, laurab1 came to my rescue!!!!
( CLICK THIS LINK IN THE FACE. CLICK IT HARD! )

It's my delight to inform you that MY FUCKING AWESOME BUTLER won a major award at the Children of Time Awards. He's a Best Site as voted by the Internet.

The Awards ceremony itself was epic. There was a red carpet. I brought the whole gang!

"So...Who was looking after the Rift, then?" you might ask. What a question! How about you and I go for some beer later and maybe you'll find yourself forgetting all about your burning inquiries.


Me at the COT buffet.

Shannon said we could all have seats in the audience and she was true to her word. Why Hart had to sit on Martha's lap, I have no clue. :-(

I applauded in all the right spots; even for categories that had nothing to do with me. I endured all the Classic Who and Sarah Jane Adventure stuff like a hero.

I even sat still for things like: "Genfic". What the fuck does that even mean?

When Ianto's site came up on the big screen I hollered my encouragement with some vintage 20th century Arsenio Hall WHOOP WHOOPs.

"IT'S YOU IANTO!"

When his win was announced I shrieked: "YES! GOOD CHOICE, INTERNET!" I thumped the seat in front of me. Sorry about that, ukcalico.

Later on that night I announced some more prize winners. Hey Ianto, you won Best. In Bed. You were the only nominee. But the qualification process was intensive.

Here's a list of what I powered through at the Children of Time Awards Buffet:

- Sausages
- Bacon
- Casserole
- Berries
- Teriyaki
- Chicken skewers (!!!)
- Pretzels
- Fried rice
- Pancakes
- Cream of Celery soup
- Salad Shrimps

Work my Celebration Poll hard!
Poll #1412017 My awesome awards poll
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 147

How should Captain Jack celebrate Ianto Jones?

TWO QUESTIONS MERGED INTO ONE SEXY POST TODAY!

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Dear Captain Jack: I'd be interested on some tips in the event of a alien infestation or swine flu or soviet attack. What's the best way to shoot something in the face? Is there a rule of thumb for this sort of thing?

With love from Bangerz n' Mash

-----
Dear Captain Jack, your instructions to solve problems by shooting them in the face intrigue me. I'm a Canadian and we are not very weaponized up here. My Dad has a crossbow for shooting targets at the cottage... that's not really the same thing as carrying a handgun....

Since I didn't learn how to solve problems with face shooting can you give me a lesson? I'd like a sexy lesson if you don't mind. I want to learn! I will pay for your time in kind. I bake & I do laundry!

-- Catherine (Thunder Bay, Ontario)

-----

( A Quick Start Guide to Shooting Something in the Face: With Explanations by Captain Jack Harkness )

Dear Captain Jack! I love you. Thought you should know. My feelings are blazing hot! I wondered if you could share a story from your childhood with me. I'd feel so much closer to you and it would inspire me.

I'm spending ALL SUMMER WITH MY PARENTS!!!! Whenever I'm off term and home from school I think I regress into my younger self. I want to sit around with my mom and have her make me meatloaf and chicken fingers. Do you have a comfort food from Boe?

Is there macaroni and cheese in space?  I HOPE SO.

Kisses and kisses, to you and your missus,

Summer Girl Is Going Home this Weekend!

-------------------
( Have you ever made Piggin Pie? I guess that's a stupid question. Of course you haven't. )

 

Dear Captain Jack: I respectfully request to see your business cards, as they must be made of awesome!

Hope you got to shoot something in the face today.

You are sexy-ly yours, Kathy

------------------------

( Kathy, you know that Psychic Paper the Doctor uses...? )

 

Are you kids noticing any timey-wimey nonsense in your vicinity? If you happen to see a bright gold sparkle-blob hovering in the air, that's the Rift.

We had advance warning from a sexy creditable source that today is a day Alternate Universes will bleed through into our reality's timeline!

Fucking potentiality devices and the potentiality stuff they do. In the "time" business this sort of shit is called "seepage".

If you experience some seepage today, don't panic. Take a polaroid on your phone, maybe? The Rift doesn't always deposit teens on the surface of a planet on fire.

Occasionally, something even funnier will go down!

( For instance, one of our agents in New York caught this outside her house... )