Dear Captain Jack, what should I cook for dinner tonight? I need suggestions. I hate my kitchen. GRATEFUL FOR ANY HELP. Love Michelle.
 

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Hey, thanks for assuming I can cook. I suppose I could if I wanted to, but I don't.

I'm the kind of person you go to when you need to fix a busted star-drive. I get a call on the red priority phone when the Prime Minister needs something shot hard in the face. You don't waste me on making omelettes.

I never had to fend for myself. Somebody will always make food for you. Stop cooking and you'll notice how much other people will do just because they love you.

Where I'm from (the future) your Mom cooks for you until you're old enough to go into the military. At that point you're issued vacuum-sealed bags that heat automatically when you tear them open.

By the way, that's only if you tear them open at the top where the arrow is. If you tear them at the bottom the macaroni will float out into zero g. :-(

During the Blitz I was your man for a tin of beans. I always had a spoon and a tin-opener in my pocket. I still carry them in case I come across something delicious out in the field.

It happens more than you think!

I also like soup. You can drink it straight out of a mug and still look smooth. I liked to lean against the wall in the canteen, sipping my soup, one hand in my pocket, winking at pretty girls over the rim of the mug. This is a hot look on me.

All the other chaps looked awkward balancing bowls on their laps, cloth napkins tucked in over their ties, fiddling with spoons. Oh sorry, did they serve soup in bowls at Eton? Losers!

Listen, you seem like a capable person. I'm going to explain to you how to figure out how to cook something awesome without asking your butler for help or permission.

It's like teaching a man to fish so that he can eat fish every day instead of giving him a reloadable gift card for fish.

Michelle, go straight to Google!

Think of something you're in the mood for and ask Google how to cook it.

Type your thoughts in the box and Google will give you some suggestions.



Sometimes Google will throw something weird back at you... Like this suggestion about boiling chicken.

Don't take any shit from Google, you demand an answer! Scream for an answer like you're interrogating a sleeper agent.



Okay Google can be contradictory. Just like the Bible.

Now it's saying you should NEVER boil meat!

Time for a straight answer from these bastards...



Hot dogs? I haven't had those in ages. Not a bad idea, Google.



WHOA! Ok. Discouraging. Fucking hell. I'm starving.

I've been Googling for minutes and I'm no closer to eating. I demand an explanation!



Well look at that. I guess boiling food is seriously the way to go. I wouldn't have thought so just by guessing.

IMPORTANT NOTE: You can use Google as much as you want and it is free. There is no such thing as a "Google Tax".

Toshiko had me putting 50p in the Google Tax Jar every time I googled but that turned out to be a fucking prank. After two years of Google Tax paying I caught her giggling about it with Owen.

Yrs helpfully,

Cpt. Jack Harkness