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29 June 2009 @ 02:41 pm
Fan fiction: The Adventure of the Wild, Wild West  
Ever since I showed you my bitchin' beta work I've been getting requests for more of my bitchin' fan fictions. I don't like to disappoint the Internets, so please enjoy the following!

Title: The Adventure of the Wild, Wild West

Author: ask_captainjack
Beta: ask_captainjack
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen is also in the story but not sexually active
Warnings: Face-shooting, hurt/comfort, time-travel, awesomeness
Summary: Torchwood travels into the American Wild West to save the day!
Timeline: This story takes place after The Adventure of the Three Gay Unicorns because Toshiko and Owen are dead. :-(
Author Note: Still grieving the loss of Toshiko and Owen so am only accepting positive criticism. By that I mean compliments.

---------------

It was a sexy Tuesday afternoon in 1893 when the Rift burst open and l leaped through onto the steamy tropical marshland of Oklahoma state.

I landed feet first in a pose that could only be described as heroic and breathtaking. You know the one. It's on my promotional posters.

My team tumbled out after me, generating the weird "plop" noise you always hear with Rift travel. Although Ianto and Gwen were time travel newbies, they still looked fantastic in their period-appropriate cowboy and cowgirl outfits.

We'd zoomed awesomely into Earth's wild west past to track down fleeing alien criminals we'd first encountered in our own time. I made the wise and decisive decision to risk changing the timeline in order to save all your human lives!

You might be asking, "Didn't the Doctor break your wriststrap, Jack?" Well, for the purposes of this story, that didn't happen. And if he's reading my story now I hope he feels fucking awful about what he did.

I squinted into the hot Oklahomian sun, looking delicious, like John Wayne in The Searchers. I was wearing a waistcoat made of pinto horse hide, a plaid flannel shirt, unbuttoned to the waist, and loads of shiny Gay Pride parade beads. The strings on my cowboy hat were tied under my chin in a jaunty knot. I threw my greatcoat on over my costume so everyone we met would automatically know I was in charge.

While we'd all stuck meticulously to period costume after thorough research on Wikipedia and Usenet, I did cave in the end and let Gwen wear jeans, and Ianto carry two tazers.

"Jack! Look!" Ianto wept, pointing frantically at the stranger on horseback appearing on the horizon.

His skin was a gleaming pasty white, like a marble coffee table recently polished for visitors. A bow and quiver were slung on his naked back. The single pigeon feather in his glittering headband of square-cut emeralds signified his noble tribe of origin: The Welsh.

I'd skimmed magazine articles and fantasy literature about his people, and knew myself to be an expert in their ancient and mystical ways.

"Careful," I cautioned my team. "The ancient Welsh eat strangers' toes, then they string their victim's credit and debit cards on twine and make wind chimes for their children."

"How do they do that without a hole punch?" Ianto wondered. I scoffed at his 21st century office supplies perspective.

"They gnaw holes in the plastic with their incisors, Ianto."

As the stranger rode towards us, I eyed him appreciatively, wishing I'd taken the time to research what kind of lip gloss cowboys wore in the 19th century. I was wearing strawberry. Was that a good decision? My lips felt historically accurate.

I saw Gwen's hand hovering over her handbag, protecting her credit cards. And since when had she been allowed to bring a purse? For fuck's sake, Gwen.

Doesn't anybody follow my instructions in the field any more?

"Good morning!" The Welsh scout announced, in his language (which was English).

I speak all the languages, so communication is never a problem for me. If it ever gets to words that is. I let my left eyebrow arch sexily, setting the tone of our congress. "Hey yourself buddy," I hollered into his face. Face to face communication is another skill of mine. "Have you seen any aliens that look like this lately?"

In the 19th century they don't have useful things like 3D holograms, so I pulled up Ianto's shirt and drew in felt pen what the alien looked like.

Meanwhile, Gwen silently regarded our new friend with those huge monstrous eyes of hers. "I would have thought that we'd encounter some native Irish here in the wild west. Like Daniel Day-Lewis in The Last of the Mohicans."

I had to agree. "Shit yes, Daniel Day-Lewis was fit." I immediately understood the problem.

"This is probably one of those alternate universes where natives didn't get written into the story, Gwen. It might have been inconvenient for the author to deal with all the Irish."

I addressed my next question to our new friend. "What's your name, feller? I'm Captain Jack Harkness. I can't tell you how I came to your land. It's classified. We're not here to steal your coal if you're worried about that. But if you can find us these aliens, I'll pay you in coal. Well actually, a promissory note for coal."

"They call me Yellow Fang," said the scout. "Because I drink so much tea."

Ianto and I recoiled at the mention of tea. Well, strange aboriginal customs suited this strange land!

"Take us to your leader," I commanded. "Can we all fit in your vehicle?"

"It's kind of a horse, not really a vehicle," said Yellow Fang. "And of course we can all fit. We'll just be squished together."

Being squished together is one of my favourite things. I swung my sexy team up on the "horse", gathered them close in the folds of my awesome coat, tapped Yellow Fang on the shoulder, and off we trotted.

As we entered the Welsh settlement, we caused quite a stir. I waved from the boot of the horse.

"TORCHWOOD! Listen, have you seen these aliens?"

It wasn't easy to pull Ianto's shirt apart with one hand to display my drawing, but lots of things aren't easy... It wasn't easy for me to reprogram that spaceship to send Toshiko's lover into the heart of the sun but I didn't complain about all the math I had to do. Not complaining is another attractive trait of mine.

"What's all this about then?" asked an elderly man in a coal miner's helmet. I figured he was in charge because he had five large pigeon feathers attached to the safety strap. He slammed the door on his teepee and strode out to meet us as we rode into camp.

"Don't worry sir," I gave him the Harkness grin. "I'm here to track down some aliens and save your people!"

"Save us? We want for nothing. Perhaps we could use a baritone in the choir..." The Welsh Elder looked thoughtful. As well he should. He could probably tell from the timbre of my hollering that I'm amazing at baritone. (All the tones, actually.)

"The civilians are okay?" Gwen bit her lip as we all slid off Yellow Fang's horse. She wasn't used to people being okay without her intense personal involvement. "If they're fine, maybe we should leave? What are we supposed to do when people are okay, Jack?"

"How about a cultural exchange?" I suggested. "You provision us for our alien search in the wilderness and in turn we'll show you how to make fire."

"I think they've already got fire," Ianto pointed out, gesturing towards the 30-chicken rotisserie in the middle of the settlement. Oh, good point. And that rotisserie was bigger than the one we have at the Hub!

"Well, we'll show them how to put out fires," I bargained.

Gwen and Ianto looked dubious. LOL, the kids caught me. I have no fucking clue how to put out a fire. Hey, the kitchen is just not my thing.

I felt a bit low. "Guess there's no reason for Torchwood to stick around," I said to Yellow Fang. "I didn't mean to disrupt your day." Everyone knows a Welsh scout's afternoon is devoted to panther hunts and tearing the bodices off spirited women. "I'll leave you to your bodice-ripping."

Before Yellow Fang could open his mouth to beg me not to go, there was an explosion.

KA-BOOM! was the sound.

"Something exploded!" Gwen shrieked. She and Ianto clutched each other tightly, writhing their hot bodies against each other. (If you think this counts as frottage, please leave me a note in the comments so I can warn for it in the header.)

"We're under alien attack!" I deduced, glancing at my arm. My wriststrap isn't just good at dimming the lights and closing drawers. It also flashes red if you've just been attacked by aliens.

Suddenly, the settlement was swarming with gross, slimy, tentacled aliens firing heat-ray guns at our faces. I knew that logically I should be respectful of their right to be disgusting, but sometimes it's difficult to be tolerant.

I know I'm not Xenophobic. I voted for Obama, several times. And Obama II. And even the wildly corrupt Emperor Obama III.

While I was thinking all these complex thoughts, my team sprung into action. Ianto pulled out his tazers and began tazing aliens in the face. That boy is something else. He can leap through the air with two tazers in his hands, screaming with bloodlust, and not appear ridiculous at all.

I turned to Gwen. "This is why you shouldn't have wasted your one free historical inaccuracy token on jeans." I eyed her ass. "Although those are great jeans."

Gwen paused while stomping aliens in the face. "Thanks Jack! " She adores me and my opinions. Green gooey alien innards sprayed into the air each time her heel slammed down on an alien's screaming maw.

Blasting aliens in the face with my Webley was no problem. But I could tell we had a volume issue. Too many fucking aliens, not enough Torchwood firepower.

Here's where I turned to the locals for help.

"HELP," I hollered to the Welsh as they ran past sobbing in terror, their arms waving in the air like Kermit the Frog. "Do you have any extra weapons? The killing kind, not the decorative kind. Don't bring me your Grandpappy's duelling pistols. Jesus christ."

"We've got some tomahawks," said Yellow Fang. Oh bless his heart. What luck!

"I can fly the fuck out of a tomahawk," I announced, thrilled to find something useful in Oklahoma. "Wait, do you mean the missile or the plane?"

"Both," said Yellow Fang. "We've mounted tomahawks on our tomahawks. Let's go!"

AW SHIT. YES! <-- These were my thoughts at the time.

We ran for the aircraft hanger, dodging heat-ray blasts as we ran. I am fabulous at zigging and zagging out of the way of danger, but suddenly, Yellow Fang took a blast full in the back and fell.

I turned at the "Zzzz" sound of the zap. My coat whipped out behind me in slo-motion. My eyebrows crawled to the top of my brow and perched there, waiting for the horror to reach the rest of my face...

"NO!" I wailed stoically, dropping to my knees beside his body. I was filled with rage at the unfairness of the universe. "Yellow Faaaaang!"

I felt a touch at my shoulder. Ianto was there. He looked at me with sad, wet eyes. "He's gone Jack," Ianto whispered. "You can tell by the way his head has detached from his neck. And his legs have detached from his torso."

Ianto was right. There was no field dressing that could fix this. I lowered Yellow Fang's torso to the ground. I found myself snapping out of slo-motion. I was in fast, awesome motion again.

"I'll avenge you, Yellow Fang." I told the piece of him closest to my knee. "...The way Torchwood does best. With outrageous violence. Let's go get in the air, Ianto!"

The tomahawk teepee was a short jog down the round. Six beautiful planes were gassed up and ready to go. I wanted to stroke them all but there really wasn't time for that.

I flung myself into the pilot's seat and started my pre-flight checklist. "Toggle, toggle, toggle," I muttered under my breath. "Green light, green light, green light!"

Ianto tied the hanger flap open and barrelled in beside me. He was already on the CB Radio, poking at knobs, pulling out knobs. Being methodical and gorgeous. "GWEN, can you hear us?"

I could hear Gwen's voice crackle over the radio. "ROGER! I'm kung fu-ing all these fuckers, Ianto."

Ianto and I shared a chuckle. Oh Gwen and her kung-fu. We'd definitely have to rescue her ass!

"Ianto, you're in charge of the missiles," I said as we taxied down the runway. "Hit aliens, not civilians. Like in training."

This sort of scenario is exactly why I forced my team to do practice drills on the Plass. In the drill we lob balls of clay at targets to simulate bombs, missiles or bullets.

The idea is to hit the orange cones I've set up on the boardwalk. I've written "ALIEN" on the side so you know which cones are aliens and which cones are for construction. Eventually the team becomes accustomed to shooting motionless cone-shaped aliens.

"HUZZAH," Ianto ejaculated into the radio. "Missile 1 is a hit. Missile 2 ....hit!"

I really couldn't resist the opportunity to show off a bit. I love being in the air, flying with my favourite fella. Just because you're in the middle of a battle doesn't mean you can't take time for each other. That's what being in a relationship is all about. I rested one arm on the rolled-down window and threw the other one around Ianto's shoulders.

"How are you flying this thing?" Ianto gasped, startled by the dip in altitude.

"Shhh, baby," I chuckled. "I'll pull up when we're closer to the ground."

Speaking of the ground, the tomahawk missiles had done the trick. The battlefield was littered with bomb craters and smoking piles of burnt alien flesh.

From 500 feet up we could see Gwen stomping on the last of the aliens who were trying to escape. I could see her lips moving as she shouted instructions to the civilians.

"Knock on flaps," she was saying. "Let everyone know that we're taking care of the situation. STAY CALM!"

"See that, Ianto? Gwen is taking compassionate charge of that situation down there. That's her Heddlu training showing."

Ianto wasn't listening. He was grabbing between my legs for the flight controls and was pulling the nose of the plane up...

"I was going to get to it, Ianto," I told him as we gently descended into a cornfield and burst into flames. "Hey, there's something else between my legs you might be interested in..."

I didn't get to finish my sentence with the impact of our landing, but as I dragged Ianto from the wreckage, I told him I was proud of his work today.

"I intend to hurt/comfort you when we get home," I warned him. "My hurt/comforting is pretty fucking spectacular."

Ianto smiled the special smug smile he uses in his smug livejournal icon. I was so turned on it was hard to walk. We hobbled the 3 kilometers back to the settlement, big sexy grins on our faces.

Gwen had already sorted everything out with Yellow Fang's people and was eating slices of gratitude pie that the village women had baked for her.

"Oh fuck, you got pie?" I complained heroically. "We worked harder."

I felt mildly annoyed that Gwen got the gratitude treats when the boys had worked just as hard to save the village from the aliens we sort of brought to the village in the first place.

As my battered but triumphant team assembled by my side in preparation for our plop back to our own time and universe, I had a sudden insightful thought...

I reflected that cultural differences between humans are unimportant. Be your skin a synthetic orange tan, like my own, or pearly pasty white, like the Welsh.

What truly matters is wiping out alien scum!

This is exactly what I wrote in my log at the end of the day. I underlined it, for remembrance!

THE END

 

 
 
My 51st century feelings today : workingauthor-itative
 
 
 
fightin' and trouble are my middle name: Jack stoned in a gutterused_songs on June 29th, 2009 07:49 pm (UTC)
I like how you cut out unnecessary steps and beta for yourself. That's a good plan. Who needs other people's pesky opinions, right?
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 07:56 pm (UTC)
The only person qualified to beta for me is me! It's a gift-curse, like being a werewolf.
(no subject) - used_songs on June 29th, 2009 08:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - used_songs on June 29th, 2009 08:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - used_songs on June 29th, 2009 08:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - phaetonschariot on June 29th, 2009 09:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - neifile7 on June 29th, 2009 09:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - phaetonschariot on June 29th, 2009 09:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - used_songs on June 29th, 2009 09:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - phaetonschariot on June 29th, 2009 09:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
tudorRoserednwhiterose on June 29th, 2009 07:57 pm (UTC)
Your writing abilities both astound and amaze me.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:01 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry. Do you need to sit down? You can sit on my lap if you're going to swoon.
(no subject) - rednwhiterose on June 29th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
CAPTAIN John Hartoh_doask on June 29th, 2009 07:57 pm (UTC)
I would've done a good beta!

There was no fucking need to rip it away from under my tongue.

You papercut my tongue as I was tonguing improvements.
ask_captainjack: Yikesask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:00 pm (UTC)
You kept crossing out "IANTO" and writing in "HART". You think I didn't notice? I fucking noticed! I'm observant like whoa. Folks can't slip anything past me (except cyberwomen, just the once).
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:22 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pure_morning_8 on June 29th, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pure_morning_8 on June 29th, 2009 08:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pure_morning_8 on June 29th, 2009 08:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on June 29th, 2009 09:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pure_morning_8 on June 29th, 2009 09:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 09:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pure_morning_8 on June 29th, 2009 09:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 09:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pure_morning_8 on June 29th, 2009 09:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 09:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pure_morning_8 on June 29th, 2009 09:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 09:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pure_morning_8 on June 29th, 2009 10:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 10:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on June 29th, 2009 10:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 10:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on June 29th, 2009 10:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pure_morning_8 on June 29th, 2009 10:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 10:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 10:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on June 29th, 2009 09:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - queen_insane on June 30th, 2009 01:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - phaetonschariot on June 29th, 2009 09:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 30th, 2009 03:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
That's Lay-day Snackpants to you, buster.: guy gardner/thumbs up!amand_r on June 29th, 2009 07:58 pm (UTC)
Jesus, Captain. How am I supposed to take a break from the internets when this shit keeps popping up? A masterpiece, as always. I'm sorry you didn't get pie. We offered you cake in a jar, but you refused. :(

The ancient Welsh eat strangers' toes, then they string their victim's credit and debit cards on twine and make wind chimes for their children.

I have long suspected this of my ancestors. It explains some things I have found in my attic.

ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:07 pm (UTC)
"break from the internets" ?

How is that possible?

RE: Cake inna jar. No thanks! I'll take "Your fan fictions blow my mortal mind" tartlets though.
(no subject) - amand_r on June 29th, 2009 08:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - amand_r on June 29th, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
torchbaby: Doctor Approvedtorchbaby on June 29th, 2009 07:59 pm (UTC)
Wow.

I didn't think it was possible for a fanfiction to be more bitchin' than your last bitchin' fanfiction, but this battle in the Wild, Wild West is even more bitchin' of a fanfiction than the original bitchin' fanfiction about the three gay unicorns.

Torchwood saves the day again!
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:04 pm (UTC)
I know. I was thinking: "How do I top what was so clearly awesome?"

I decided to wait until after the COT awards so people wouldn't feel intimidated by the quality of my writing.
(no subject) - torchbaby on June 29th, 2009 08:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Ianto Jones: smugask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:01 pm (UTC)
I almost thought you were Gwen-bashing until the end there, Jack. What a relief! I wouldn't want to have to call you out for bashing.

Reading this was like...erm. It was. Like. Well, there's no real experience similar to reading your fanfictions, Jack.

EXCELLENT WRITING GETS THE SMUG ICON.
ask_captainjack: Sexyask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:02 pm (UTC)
I adore Gwen, I'd never bash her. How could I bash someone who loves me so much?

I'M NOTING THE USE OF THE SMUG ICON, IANTO...
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on June 29th, 2009 08:22 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on June 29th, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Gwen Cooper: Happygwen_e_cooper on June 29th, 2009 08:01 pm (UTC)
Ianto and I shared a chuckle. Oh Gwen and her kung-fu. We'd definitely have to rescue her ass!

But. My kung-fu is the best!

This is a fabulous fan fiction, Jack! I am probably projecting here, but I would guess the women of the village would have given me pie for sharing choccies with them, which I could not do if I hadn't brought my PURSE.

See how that works? Why do you think I get free McDonald's vouchers and cinema tickets when we question people? Not because people like handing out free things... because people like TRADING. This is why they had trading posts in the Wild West: trading is historically a very popular activity!





ask_captainjack: Adviceask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:05 pm (UTC)
TRADING HUH? I get it, like cross-posting on livejournal. How many 'villages' should I cross-post my fan fiction to, Gwen?

I'm thinking... All of them?
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on June 29th, 2009 08:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Ceeparagraphs on June 29th, 2009 08:06 pm (UTC)
Dear Captain Jack...

Your fic is brilliant! I love it! Action! Angst! Drama! Frottage! Plot! NO TYPOS! (such a turn-on, that!)

I just have to ask--as an aspiring writer myself--where in the WORLD do you get your inspiration, your fantastic story ideas?

Please, do tell!
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:10 pm (UTC)
My ideas come from real life events. For instance, this story developed from a Torchwood case where we did go into the past to fight an alien menace!

However, there weren't any tomahawks and it was one alien we fought. And we didn't shoot him in the face we just walked him back to his car. Nice guy, Paul. Sometimes he'll text Gwen just to say "hi".
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - neifile7 on June 29th, 2009 08:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - paragraphs on June 29th, 2009 08:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - paragraphs on June 29th, 2009 08:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
souvenir moi.: celebs: gareth david-lloyd; smexyexplodeyy on June 29th, 2009 08:10 pm (UTC)
Ahaha.
Ianto smiled the special smug smile he uses in his smug livejournal icon. I was so turned on it was hard to walk. We hobbled the 3 kilometers back to the settlement, big sexy grins on our faces.
<33

Yeah. I dunno.
Can't breathe at the moment.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:11 pm (UTC)
THAT'S THE EMOTION I WAS GOING FOR. Congrats for understanding my work, Explodeyy!
(no subject) - explodeyy on June 29th, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - explodeyy on June 29th, 2009 08:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Martha Jones, MD: I have a crazy bossask_arealdoctor on June 29th, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC)
There are no words adequate to express the staggering impact this fic had on me. I am in awe, Jack. Simply in awe.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:16 pm (UTC)
THANKS MARTHA! This story happened before you joined us, so that's why you're not in there. If you were in there I probably would have paired you with an OFC. Hart would have been happy. HA HA HA!
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on June 29th, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 08:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 09:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 09:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 30th, 2009 03:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
Tallian: naughty bookworm_tallian_ on June 29th, 2009 08:16 pm (UTC)
I know I'm not Xenophobic. I voted for Obama, several times. And Obama II. And even the wildly corrupt Emperor Obama III.

This is the best quote from a fanfic, evar. Perhaps in any fiction, evar.

Your sexy words are sending me to my bunk for some "me" time.
ask_captainjack: Sexyask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:17 pm (UTC)
That's how you can tell I'm a tolerant person.

Hey, in your bunk you'll be thinking of me right? If so, enjoy your bunk time. Enjoy it hard.
pure_morning_8: iantojackgropepure_morning_8 on June 29th, 2009 08:24 pm (UTC)
I so thought we were going to get some plane!porn in the middle there. You tease! It was pretty fucking awesome though.

Sequel?
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:35 pm (UTC)
HEY I don't tease, I just "tell" instead of "show".

It's part of being an amazing author!
ask_atemp: cheeky donnaask_atemp on June 29th, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC)
If you're prancing about like John Wayne, you're damned right wearing Gay Pride beads. HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MAN SHUFFLE? Either he had too much fun with the gaffers before filming, or ...

BRILLIANT WRITING! I Love this! You should send it to Harlequin! It's SO much better than my mum's romance novels. And much more credible! You've got such brilliant imagination!
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:37 pm (UTC)
I DID BETTER THAN HARLEQUIN Donna, I sent it to jackxianto where it can be appreciated to the fullest!

Writing something so steamy and shippy is a little different for me, but as it turns out I'm really good at it.
(no subject) - ask_atemp on June 29th, 2009 08:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - used_songs on June 29th, 2009 08:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_atemp on June 29th, 2009 08:57 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on June 29th, 2009 08:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 08:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_atemp on June 29th, 2009 09:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on June 29th, 2009 09:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 09:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 09:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 09:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - ask_atemp on June 29th, 2009 08:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - queen_insane on June 30th, 2009 01:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 30th, 2009 01:49 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - queen_insane on June 30th, 2009 01:53 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_atemp on June 30th, 2009 08:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
travels_in_time: DW--10 behind the couchtravels_in_time on June 29th, 2009 08:49 pm (UTC)
Oh, Jack. Your historical accuracy and well-researched portrayal of the natives, they astound me. You are on a par with many of our best-selling novelists today.

ask_captainjack: Adviceask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:56 pm (UTC)
The only reason that I'm not a best-selling novelist too is that I made a brave decision not to charge for my fan fictions.

Consider it a free gift to all of you!
neifile7neifile7 on June 29th, 2009 08:53 pm (UTC)
I will never, ever attempt fanfiction again.

The pacing! The UST! The sparkly dialogue! The costumes!

And points for innovation. I simply don't understand why there have been no flying tomahawks in TW fanfic before this. It should be its own genre, like h/c and stopwatches.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:57 pm (UTC)
I'm pretty sure we just witnessed the birth of a "genre"!

Whenever anybody uses a tomahawk I want a link back to my original work, though. I'm putting that out there as a demand.
(no subject) - neifile7 on June 29th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 09:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 09:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 29th, 2009 09:22 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on June 29th, 2009 09:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 10:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on June 29th, 2009 09:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 10:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
dynamite with a laser beam51stcenturyfox on June 29th, 2009 08:53 pm (UTC)
WOW. Hot fic!

"Something exploded!" Gwen shrieked. She and Ianto clutched each other tightly, writhing their hot bodies against each other. (If you think this counts as frottage, please leave me a note in the comments so I can warn for it in the header.)

I don't think this counts as frottage, Capitano (and I would know) since it appears to be fright-motivated hugging and not an excuse to bump nasties.

But I know a place where you can post a more detailed account. Say, 600 words?
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 08:58 pm (UTC)
WOW a direct link to il Porno, grazie! This saves me hunting through my bookmarks...

PS: If the bumps belong to Ianto or Gwen they are not "nasties" they are "lovelies".
(no subject) - 51stcenturyfox on June 29th, 2009 09:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
their tongues battled for dominancestarstealingirl on June 29th, 2009 09:01 pm (UTC)
Wow, Captain Jack! That was an amazing fic. Impeccable character development and nonstop suspense, all the way.

I hope you don't mind if I leave a bit of concrit, though.

"Something exploded!" Gwen shrieked. She and Ianto clutched each other tightly, writhing their hot bodies against each other. (If you think this counts as frottage, please leave me a note in the comments so I can warn for it in the header.)

This scene needed more detail. What did their writhing look like? How long did it last? Did either of them pant or moan? This fic needed more frottage, Cap'n!

We ran for the aircraft hanger, dodging heat-ray blasts as we ran.

I think you meant "hangar." People usually keep aircraft in a hangar. Unless you meant something else entirely. Is the hangar where the Welsh keep their canons?
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 09:07 pm (UTC)
Hangar, eh? Taut observation. I just want to point out that at no point did the tomahawks have canons attached! Those missiles were woven directly to the aircraft wings with leather straps.

I agree about the frottage. This story could have been a lot more explicit. I was thinking about rewriting it with everyone in their bathrobes (to take a lesson in sexual availability from Rhys), but after some reflection I realised I wrote it perfectly the first time!
(no subject) - starstealingirl on June 29th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mrsalemp on June 29th, 2009 09:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - phaetonschariot on June 29th, 2009 09:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mrsalemp on June 29th, 2009 09:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 30th, 2009 12:41 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mrsalemp on June 30th, 2009 12:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
thaddeusfavour on June 29th, 2009 09:14 pm (UTC)
"He's gone Jack," Ianto whispered. "You can tell by the way his head has detached from his neck. And his legs have detached from his torso."

He's so damned observant! You did a great job capturing his character - both alert and loving. Such a sweet, sweet moment.

Ianto wasn't listening. He was grabbing between my legs for the flight controls and was pulling the nose of the plane up...

And he's so awesomely ready to take charge. It's nice to see that you pay attention to all of your teams many facets. I mean, there was Gwen, all caring with the locals, and still kung fu-ing the beejeezus out of the aliens.

Great work, Jack! I always love reading your fic.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 09:19 pm (UTC)
THANK YOU, I love reading about how you love reading my fan fictions.

I think I do amazing character work. Paying attention to detail is one of my strengths!
Mylennmylenn on June 29th, 2009 09:29 pm (UTC)
I have never read such an astounding piece of fanfiction! The pacing! The dailogue! Wow, is all I can say. :)
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 10:11 pm (UTC)
Hey, I hadn't thought about my pacing being astounding but it's true. It is! Thanks for pointing that out.
digger, listener, runner: torchwood fivephaetonschariot on June 29th, 2009 09:31 pm (UTC)
"HUZZAH," Ianto ejaculated into the radio.

That sounds messy!

This is a fucking awesome fic, Captain. I was on the edge of my seat with excitement wondering how you were going to beat the aliens.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 10:15 pm (UTC)
ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT IS EXACTLY WHERE I WANTED YOU!

NICE TW NEW ZEALAND icon. I can't wait to liaise with you folks. What does roast hobbit taste like? No, don't tell me, I'll try it myself when I'm down there!
(no subject) - phaetonschariot on June 29th, 2009 10:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - amand_r on June 30th, 2009 04:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - phaetonschariot on June 30th, 2009 04:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - amand_r on June 30th, 2009 04:28 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on June 30th, 2009 02:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - amand_r on June 30th, 2009 02:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on June 30th, 2009 02:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_janet on June 30th, 2009 02:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on June 30th, 2009 02:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - amand_r on June 30th, 2009 02:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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winterhill: cat lady artmisswinterhill on June 29th, 2009 09:38 pm (UTC)
So are we going to get some fucking spectacular hurt/comfort as a sequel? Then you could post it to Jantolution.

Didn't Ianto ejaculating into the radio get a little...messy?
ask_captainjack: Adviceask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 10:14 pm (UTC)
Do you think I need to elaborate on the hurt/comfort? I could describe the fucking in all sorts of ways but am concerned that by using adjectives the whole thing would lose the mystery!

"Ejaculated" is another way of using "said", but without using "said". I stole this one from JK Rowling. Ron is always ejaculating about things.

Do you think I should post to Jantolution? I can easily cut and paste my fan fictions a billion awesome times!
(no subject) - misswinterhill on June 29th, 2009 11:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 30th, 2009 12:00 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - misswinterhill on June 30th, 2009 12:11 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 30th, 2009 12:13 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - misswinterhill on June 30th, 2009 12:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 30th, 2009 12:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on June 30th, 2009 12:57 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - misswinterhill on June 30th, 2009 01:07 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 30th, 2009 01:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - misswinterhill on June 30th, 2009 01:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
The Sandwich of Solidarity: volatshane_mayhem on June 29th, 2009 10:57 pm (UTC)
OH FUCK. If you keep putting gorgeous WWII aircraft in these stories, Captain, I'm gonna be so turned on I won't be able to go to work.

AMAZING.

:D
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 29th, 2009 11:13 pm (UTC)
You not being able to go to work is not my problem.

I'm pleased just knowing you're too aroused by my fan fictions to function. I'm pretty proud!
(no subject) - shane_mayhem on June 29th, 2009 11:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
tktrix: jackiantotktrix on June 30th, 2009 12:16 am (UTC)
That's fucking epic Jack, you should have your own tv show... wait, you do! ha ha, John. Ha ha.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 30th, 2009 12:33 am (UTC)
I KNOW. Don't rub it in. Hart throws feces when he's jealous.

I hope you enjoy our documentary next week. It should be as bitchin' as this epic fan fiction!
(no subject) - tktrix on June 30th, 2009 01:56 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 30th, 2009 02:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - neifile7 on June 30th, 2009 02:19 am (UTC) (Expand)
queen_insane: janto 1queen_insane on June 30th, 2009 01:31 am (UTC)
This fic is a piece of art! The characters are spot on, and I enjoyed everything about it.

Especially the part where you kicked Alien arse. That's always fun.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 30th, 2009 01:43 am (UTC)
Kicking alien arse is priority #1 when I write up a fan fiction.

I go through the stages of plotting:

- Beginning - Put some good describing scenes in here. Where am I? What aliens am I killing? What am I wearing? How cute is Ianto's suit today?

- Middle - LOTS OF ACTION. Just pile in the action! Here's where I use my action words: Run, jump, holler, stab, crash, explode!

- End - Wrap up all my loose plot threads by shooting the aliens in the face!

It's time-consuming but it's important to plot out your fan fictions before you start pounding out your thoughts!
(no subject) - queen_insane on June 30th, 2009 01:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on June 30th, 2009 01:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - queen_insane on June 30th, 2009 01:56 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_janet on June 30th, 2009 04:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
Dio: vintage writingdiachrony on June 30th, 2009 01:43 am (UTC)
I like how you include one seeming typo in your bitchin' fan fiction here, thus lending it the gritty hallmark of literature vérité.

I'm speaking, of course, of the aircraft hanger.

We all know you can't just toss that awesome greatcoat aside to crumple and get filthy in the midst of battle, but it might hamper your shooting things in the face! The solution: hangers everywhere in your bitchin' fan fictions documentaries.

You think of everything, Jack. It's why you're such an awesomesauce Captain.




ask_captainjackask_captainjack on June 30th, 2009 01:47 am (UTC)
Okay I already got raked over the harsh critical coals of the Internets, but I like your workaround...OF COURSE I MEANT HANGERS (for coats).

Obviously I think about things even when it seems I'm not thinking at all!

Good catch, Diachrony.