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01 July 2009 @ 12:37 pm
A POSTCARD FROM THE 53rd CENTURY!  
GREETINGS FROM THE 53rd CENTURY!


HELLO FROM THE FUTURE!

It's been about a week (our time), probably mere minutes (your time) since you last heard from Torchwood.

When the sub-etheric resonator exploded, we found ourselves vortexed into the future!

I'm well. The kids are okay. So, how are you?

The 53rd is brilliant. I'm going to answer your first two questions right away:

a) YES we have flying cars!

b) YES we have silver unitards!

As it turns out, there's plenty for us to do in the future. Interesting people to scream at. Genetically engineered coffee beans to grind....

...And the aliens. There are many deadly aliens that need to be shot in the face. The Borg, for instance. They're aliens that come in cubes. They're adorable. I'll try to send you pics, you'll LOL.

So what are we going to do with the rest of our awesome lives?

I have a lot of opinions. To everyone's surprise, Hart's ship turned out to be more space-worthy than it looks. He and Martha are zooming off on holidays to the "Pleasure Peninsulas". It probably sounds as gross to you as it does to me.

Rhys discovered he's amazing at driving a flying truck. He's doing long-distance hauls between the Medusa Cascade and Manchester. If you're wondering, do they have chip vans in the future? The answer is yeah, and it took Rhys and Andy ten minutes to find the first one.

As for me and the team, Torchwood is settling nicely into 53rd century Cardiff. When we found the Hub, it had a padlock on it and a note from the Doctor. "Dear Jack, the toaster still works. The key to the Hub is under the Matt."

We hunted around until we found the right Matt, pulled the key off the bottom of his shoe and re-opened the Hub!

Gwen is finding out that tearful compassion works on humans in the future just as well as it works on humans in her own time. The major difference is that the mascara is so much better here. Doesn't run at all. I could sleep with mascara on and wake up looking fabulous, that's how good the formula is.

Ianto was having trouble adjusting for the first few days. I fixed his homesickness with my cock. Technically I guess it was the first problem I solved in the 53rd. The first of many, I can tell by the cases of Rift-related trouble piling up on my desk.

By the way, in the future your "desk" has a powerful computer built into the surface. I was thrilled to see this piece of tech again. FINALLY, an interactive desk!

You know the Welsh, they're never impressed. "That's a flat-screen television with legs on," said Ianto to Gwen.

Another question you are bound to have, "Do they have croissanwiches where you are, Jack?" Uh, I have no clue.

All I know is Ianto and Gwen took Theresa for space-walkies and came back with space-grocery sacks. In the end I was served a croissanwich for lunch. How it got on the space-plate I have no idea!

Incidentally, for you fashion fiends, Ianto's enjoying the wealth of strange fabrics available from the Allied Worlds. He's made himself a waistcoat that sparkles when you think "sparkle!"

I've already bought 10 or 11 bolts of this magical cloth, and sent T & Jenny out to find more. I discovered that I'm as massively wealthy in the future as I am in the past. Huzzah!

Got to go, don't know how long this Rift pocket back to the 21st will last.

We've got important Torchwood business coming up today. We're taking the Torchwood Viper to Coruscant for a meeting with the Prime Minister and our own QEII. I'm excited to scream in his face about how he should follow my orders. I've got a royal decree on my side, after all.

It's going to be LULZY as he's ruled with an iron robot fist for centuries and probably remembers the last time I screamed in his face (the 51st).

If he was human, he'd piss himself with fear. Torchwood administrative work is never done!

Yrs helpfully from the future,
Cpt. Jack Harkness

PS: I'm letting Ianto fly the Viper. I'm too full of Pimms to steer.
 
 
My 51st century feelings today : cheerfulcheerful
 
 
 
ask_janetask_janet on July 1st, 2009 08:18 pm (UTC)
godaammit. left behind! ::cries::

oh no wait.

BYE SUCKERS!
ask_captainjack: Adviceask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:21 pm (UTC)
I looked up your fate in the historical database, Janet.

It was LOL.

The part where the killdozer crushed your head.

I felt for you!
(no subject) - ask_janet on July 1st, 2009 08:22 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_janet on July 1st, 2009 08:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_janet on July 1st, 2009 08:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_janet on July 1st, 2009 08:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_janet on July 1st, 2009 08:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Ianto Jones: fashionask_aboutcoffee on July 1st, 2009 08:20 pm (UTC)
Jack, you left out the most important part!

I am influencing a generation of Future Young Fashion Mavens to wear oxford shirts again.

I'm the Laser Shirts Man!
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:21 pm (UTC)
It's true!

Everyone keeps asking "How do you work these Earth things you call 'buttons'?"

They've only seen them in movies!

(In the movies they are just felt circles glued on)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on July 1st, 2009 08:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on July 1st, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - inquireof_liz on July 1st, 2009 08:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on July 1st, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - inquireof_liz on July 1st, 2009 08:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - inquireof_liz on July 1st, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
CAPTAIN John Hart: shit ass funnyoh_doask on July 1st, 2009 08:23 pm (UTC)
WANT ANYTHING FROM THE PLEASUNSULAS?!

ANYTHING?

I ALREADY ORDERED A SEXBOT! HA HA HA! THEY GOT THE LUBE-IMPROVED VERSION ON NILE.COM!

I know Martha will like it.
Martha Jones, MDask_arealdoctor on July 1st, 2009 08:25 pm (UTC)
...oh, I will, will I?

...


oooh, he's got a TREMENDOUS cock! Perhaps this won't be so bad after all...
(no subject) - oh_doask on July 1st, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on July 1st, 2009 08:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on July 1st, 2009 08:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on July 1st, 2009 08:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on July 1st, 2009 08:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on July 1st, 2009 08:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on July 1st, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on July 1st, 2009 08:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on July 1st, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on July 1st, 2009 08:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - inquireof_liz on July 1st, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Gwen Cooper: Happygwen_e_cooper on July 1st, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC)
I...was not sold on the silver unitards at first.

"You want me to wear what?" I asked Jack.

But. They look awesome.

I'm giving up red tops (for now). I know. I know! But it's the future.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC)
It's your taut ass that makes the unitard work so well, Gwen.

(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on July 1st, 2009 08:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on July 1st, 2009 08:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on July 1st, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on July 1st, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on July 1st, 2009 08:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Martha Jones, MDask_arealdoctor on July 1st, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC)
It's BRILLIANT out here on the Peninsulas! I'll make sure to bring you all back souvenirs! And we have a whole shipload of dead aliens for me to work on already.

It's time for fruity drinks and a massage from our new sexbot! He's awfully sweet. I'm going to call him Spike. :)
Ianto Jones: marthaask_aboutcoffee on July 1st, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC)
Send a naughty postcard please!
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on July 1st, 2009 08:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on July 1st, 2009 08:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on July 1st, 2009 09:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 09:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - timeagency on July 1st, 2009 09:10 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on July 1st, 2009 08:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
inquireof_liz: Harold's Thonginquireof_liz on July 1st, 2009 08:35 pm (UTC)
I have brought the lost secrets of Tex Mex cooking back to the future. To think that all those recipes and cookbooks had been lost, almost as if someone had gone back in time to get rid of them.

Silly. Like that would ever happen.

In any case, I've become quite the hero to the epicureans.

And apparently, the future still has Thong Day. Who knew?

Harold
ask_captainjack: Adviceask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 08:36 pm (UTC)
They take Thong Day really seriously in the 53rd, huh? It's a day of remembrance for those who died in the Thong Wars.
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on July 1st, 2009 08:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on July 1st, 2009 08:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on July 1st, 2009 08:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on July 1st, 2009 08:57 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on July 1st, 2009 08:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - inquireof_liz on July 1st, 2009 08:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
timeagencytimeagency on July 1st, 2009 09:01 pm (UTC)
You forgot the Most Important Piece of Information!

It still rains all the time in Cardiff. Of course, some of us settled elsewhere. But when Andy got homesick we moved back. It's lovely here, really it is, especially in our climate controlled community. You cannot imagine how lovely our garden is.

And 53rd century TOAST! Well.....
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 09:04 pm (UTC)
I was trying to keep the postcard positive! There's no reason to mention Welsh weather. :-(
timeagency: Mona Lisa Inna Jartimeagency on July 1st, 2009 09:01 pm (UTC)
P.S. What a fantastic photo of me! I may have to make an icon out of it!
Gwen Cooper: Dressed Upgwen_e_cooper on July 1st, 2009 09:02 pm (UTC)
I love your top!
thaddeusfavour on July 1st, 2009 09:18 pm (UTC)
Darn it! Okay, I know there's a company that still sells parts for a DeLorean, so I can buy those. Now, all I have to do is invent the flux capacitor, thus creating time travel and setting up the seeds of the Time Agency so that the future is secure.

Then, I can get to the future to join you guys! Easy! Wait for me!

Yes I can!
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 09:23 pm (UTC)
NO PROBLEM THADDEUS.

Here's an inspirational tshirt you might like!

(no subject) - thaddeusfavour on July 1st, 2009 09:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 09:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thaddeusfavour on July 1st, 2009 09:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 09:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thaddeusfavour on July 1st, 2009 09:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
sanguisgodofstrife on July 1st, 2009 09:22 pm (UTC)
I will miss you albeit in very sexy manner.
thaddeusfavour on July 1st, 2009 09:23 pm (UTC)
Hey! Wanna help me with my time machine? We can go BACK to the future together. :P
(no subject) - godofstrife on July 1st, 2009 09:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thaddeusfavour on July 1st, 2009 09:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - godofstrife on July 1st, 2009 09:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - neifile7 on July 1st, 2009 10:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - amand_r on July 2nd, 2009 12:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 09:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - godofstrife on July 1st, 2009 09:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
neifile7neifile7 on July 1st, 2009 09:29 pm (UTC)
TW5 (TWNZ) will have its work cut out, to keep up the Harkness & Co. standard. Not that anyone can fill your shoes. Or socks.

You've given us lots of spoilers already, but...just one more?

Will there still be fanfic in the future? Awesome, in-character, sexy fanfic?
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 09:31 pm (UTC)
A little birdie told me Martha's written some filthy, filthy stuff...

(The birdie was Martha!)

PS: By the 53rd, TW5 has expanded. Well, of course they had to when New Zealand bought Texas and Louisiana.
(no subject) - inquireof_liz on July 1st, 2009 09:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - neifile7 on July 1st, 2009 09:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - used_songs on July 1st, 2009 10:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 10:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on July 1st, 2009 10:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - debitha on July 2nd, 2009 05:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on July 1st, 2009 10:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 11:52 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on July 1st, 2009 09:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Debithadebitha on July 1st, 2009 09:34 pm (UTC)
Nooooo, it can't be over! Jack, what will we do without your amazing advice and awesome teeth, and Ianto's quiet sarcasm and fantastic coffee, and Gwen's misty eyed compassion, and Martha's good sense, and Hart's... wait. You can leave him.

What will we do without the Queen?! England will be a republic! No good can come of that!

I will watch your documentary wistfully, and think of that moment we had over the flamethrower, Jack.

*sniff*
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 09:37 pm (UTC)
That was a sweet moment, Debitha. I like the way you handle a flamethrower.

If you get a call from the Time Agency you think carefully about whether or not you want to be recruited into a life of unbearable excitement!

PS: Thanks for noticing my teeth!
(no subject) - debitha on July 1st, 2009 09:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - timeagency on July 1st, 2009 10:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - debitha on July 2nd, 2009 05:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - inquireof_liz on July 1st, 2009 09:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - debitha on July 1st, 2009 09:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on July 1st, 2009 10:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
pure_morning_8: emo iantopure_morning_8 on July 1st, 2009 09:58 pm (UTC)
Does this mean no more awesome advice for us average 21st century kids? :(
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 10:01 pm (UTC)
I'll always be there for you, pure_morning_8.

Whenever you look up into the night sky and you see something exploding...That's Captain Jack Harkness.

Whenever the shop is out of ham because "Some man in a uniform swept the shelves clean"...That's Captain Jack Harkness.

Whenever you're sitting on the lawn watching fireworks or tennis, and you hear the rattle of ice in a highball glass filled with Pimms and lemon...That's Captain Jack Harkness.

Whenever you bolt awake at night convinced somebody was watching you sleeping...That's Captain Jack Harkness.
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on July 1st, 2009 10:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pure_morning_8 on July 1st, 2009 10:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - timeagency on July 1st, 2009 10:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 10:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - timeagency on July 1st, 2009 10:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Taffy: Ten OMG by cheesygirltaffimai on July 1st, 2009 11:27 pm (UTC)
Oh no! This definitively proves that cats are evil.

Please take good care of each other and send new pictures of Max Theresa every now and then if you can.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 11:45 pm (UTC)
I certainly will take care of my sexy crew... As for Theresa, he looks adorable in his doggy space suit.
The Sandwich of Solidarity: saluteshane_mayhem on July 1st, 2009 11:36 pm (UTC)
I don't want to leak SPOILERS, but...



((Time is circular, anyway. So we'll all meet you back at the beginning/end/middle-ish part of it.))

Meanwhile, I will miss you, and your amazing advice! It's going to be a tough middle-ish end-ish piece of Time while we all try to slog through without it.

Although, I'm definitely down for Thaddeus' Time Machine Idea.

I'll bring the jet parts!

Au revoir, Captain Jack.
Miss you like a newbie pilot misses the landing strip!

~Shane

Edited at 2009-07-01 11:37 pm (UTC)
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 11:49 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAH missing the landing strip...I've been there, buddy.

Good luck with the tough middle-ish bits of Time. I'm in there but only in the exciting bits!
teaboyfanteaboyfan on July 1st, 2009 11:47 pm (UTC)
I'm devastated! Please promise to drop us another postcard occasionally; how will we manage without your awesome advice? And please find a way to post more of your bitchin' fics or life won't be worth living. Take good care of Ianto and Max (I'll trust Tomb Raider to Martha and Hart).

(Thanks to all you insane geniuses for creating such a wonderful sandbox and letting us play in it)
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 11:51 pm (UTC)
I'm cuddling all my loved ones right now on your behalf, TBF.

(Not Hart.)
That's Lay-day Snackpants to you, buster.: torchwood/scoobiesamand_r on July 1st, 2009 11:49 pm (UTC)
Wait, you're not posting anymore?

I shall be a sad panda again. But in a good way, because you taught me many things that I didn't know, like how to kill a dragon, how to get in touch with my Miami me, and most of all, that if I want to make something Welsh, I just have to add double fs.

::sniff::

Good bye, Captain and crew.

ps. Thanks for the advice on how to shoot a gun. I ready knew how to do that, but you all have inspired me to doublefist it and jump off springboards the next time I go to the range!
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 1st, 2009 11:56 pm (UTC)
Who knows how long this Rift pocket back to the 21st will last? Don't make the sad panda face, you're all fat and furry! :-(

I hope the next time you leap from a springboard into the air, whilst firing two guns, and saying 'ARGGGGGH!!!!' you think on Torchwood fondly.
(no subject) - amand_r on July 1st, 2009 11:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
tudorRoserednwhiterose on July 2nd, 2009 12:45 am (UTC)
NOoooOOOO!!! You (all of you) made my extremely long days at work more tolerable. What will I do now?!?!?

Do hurry back...I don't know how long I can go without your awesome advise.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 2nd, 2009 12:56 am (UTC)
Long days at work suck, Rose!

I hate the thought of you spinning in your business chair, sitting at a business desk or in a business JCB, bored with long hours.

In your honour, I'm going home early tonight to snuggle with Ianto. When we're in bed by 4pm I will be thinking of you.
(no subject) - rednwhiterose on July 2nd, 2009 12:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on July 2nd, 2009 01:15 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on July 2nd, 2009 01:19 am (UTC) (Expand)
Time travelling dontask_pcandy: hero  of the 53rddontask_pcandy on July 2nd, 2009 01:22 am (UTC)
T, get the cider wine and let's start the picnic.The 53rd seems to have good weather.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 2nd, 2009 01:24 am (UTC)
If you're doing BBQ, save some for me in your food containment unit!
(no subject) - dontask_pcandy on July 2nd, 2009 01:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - timeagency on July 2nd, 2009 01:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
their tongues battled for dominancestarstealingirl on July 2nd, 2009 06:46 am (UTC)
My breasts ache for you in your absence, Captain Jack! You must come back! Won't someone think of the titties?
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 2nd, 2009 06:19 pm (UTC)
I RESPECT YOUR TITTIES. They'll have to do without me. :-(
Dru: MummyIantodru_evilista on July 2nd, 2009 07:44 am (UTC)
*lip quiver* You're leaving me?

How will I make Ianto cry, if you're all the way in the future?!? How will I kill him with lube, stick him with needles, and get him pregnant?!

You can leave meeeee! *sobs*
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 2nd, 2009 06:18 pm (UTC)
I'm protecting his sweet ass from the likes of you authors!

He's safe in the 53rd from MPreg or Death by RTD!
annemjw: Gold Starannemjw on July 2nd, 2009 08:30 am (UTC)
Oh dear! I shall miss you all terribly. I will go out late at night at stare up at the sky, a single shimmering tear falling from my eyes, and remember.

Thankfully I have the rest of TWNZ for comfort and sexy, sexy support during this difficult time.

Stay sexy! (Like you need to be reminded) And don't feel like you can't come visit us any time you want. In fact I'll leave you some sexy presents in the TWNZ timelocked cryogenics chambers. Once we've made them. But surely they'll be there by the 53rd.

ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 2nd, 2009 06:17 pm (UTC)
PREZZIES? HUZZAH!!! Rock your with your bad self, TWNZ.
ametto: cryingametto on July 2nd, 2009 05:00 pm (UTC)
Sniff... I know it's only a few minutes but I miss you guys already.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on July 2nd, 2009 06:17 pm (UTC)
There there, cuddle up into my armpit for a hug!
sanginmychainssanginmychains on July 2nd, 2009 06:02 pm (UTC)
Goodbye, I'll miss you all. You taught me that whenever I have a problem I should first consider whether it can be shot in the face.
ask_captainjack: Adviceask_captainjack on July 2nd, 2009 06:18 pm (UTC)
MOST PROBLEMS CAN BE SHOT IN THE FACE.

Remember that, Sang.

Remember.