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19 August 2009 @ 05:48 pm
26 sexy spanks for my sexy Ianto  
LIVEJOURNAL TO ME:

ask_aboutcoffee's birthday is coming up!

Hi ask_captainjack,

ask_aboutcoffee's birthday is coming up on August 19!

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I know, for fuck's sake! I saw the whiteboard reminder.

And the note in my calendar. And the post-it on the mirror. And Gwen's email. And Martha's email.

And I got the "Countdown to Ianto's Birthday!" video from Miles. Ianto, how do you know Miles Vorkosigan?

Why does everyone think I can't remember important shit? I'm the most caring boss and husband I know.

Rhys elbowed me in the side when he picked up Gwen last night. "Don't forget--"

"I know about the fucking birthday," I snarled. "Somebody wrote August 19th on my hand!"

I showed him the note. It was written in permanent space-pen, so it wasn't smeared from all the sexy things I do with the palm of my hand.

Are you dying to know what gift I got Ianto? It wasn't my dick in a box. That's more an 'everyday' sort of surprise. What else do you use cardboard boxes for in the 53rd century but to put your dick in them?

I just need a great set-up line, like: "What's in the box, Jack?"

Then I snap back with: "It's my dick, Ianto! HA HA HA!"

You don't want to look silly holding your dick in a box for too long.

Good ways to prompt people to set-up a joke for you include:

- Coughing meaningfully
- Shaking your dick box loudly
- Hollering for Ianto to notice you

Ianto Jones and I understand each other so well that I only have to give that box a meaningful shake before he looks at me with that loving eye-roll...Jesus, that boy adores me and my dick and my dick box!

Don't think I don't love him right back just because I didn't announce it in the BBC documentary. This is Ianto's birthday post so a portion of this post should really be about him. His nose, his lies, his personality, all those good things. Ianto has had birthdays before, but his 26th is his first in the 53rd!

In the future, a birthday is called a BirthCycle and the spankings you get for every year of your life are much sexier, faster, more futuristic. The spanking paddle vibrates!

I knew for a long time that I wanted to cover the Hub in sparkles to honour Ianto and our love. When I think of "Jack and Ianto" I always think of glitter, deception, jazz hands, sexiness on office furniture, etc...But really, being knee-deep in sparkles is a present for everyone, just not Ianto.

I'm the greatest gift of all
I'm already the greatest gift of all.


It was a puzzle: What else should I get Ianto? Considering that he already has everything a boy could possibly want. He's alive, and he's married to me!

I said to Gwen, "Should I de-present Ianto? Take something AWAY from him and make him find it? His yogurts or the life-support system pump?"

Gwen frowned, deep in thought, "We need the life-support system pump to live."

"This is a nightmare!" I hollered. "I'm loaded with wealth and yet I can't use it to buy Ianto's happiness. He is already filled to the brim with happiness just knowing me!"

"It's the thought that counts, Jack," said Gwen.

She does have a point about hand-made gifts. Didn't my Mom love my macaroni artwork back in Boe? Didn't Dad wear the macaroni necklace I made him until the day he was torn to death by Creatures? Didn't John Hart cry when I made him a macaroni cock ring? How much dried macaroni would it take to make Ianto a waistcoat?

My amazing art
Dad loved his macaroni bling


I was on that project like PCandy on T. I sought Martha's medical advice. "How many arm-holes would I need to put in a waistcoat made for humans and constructed out of dried macaroni?"

"One for the left arm, and one for the right arm," Martha explained. "But Jack, this is really more a tunic you've got going here...And the glue is making me dizzy..."

If you ever want help with your arts & crafts projects, do NOT ask your doctor. Or the Doctor either. Both doctors were unhelpful bitches. How is telling me "this is the worst gift I've ever seen" constructive advice?

I stomped off to the Hub library to sulk. And that's where I had my second fabulous idea of the hour! Our Torchwood library is Ianto's special space. He has all books and files and hoarded secrets and notes and things all in one area.

Look at this DRAB LIBRARY!
Note how drab and dreary it is. Everything is organized by number instead of by feeling.


There's no place to sit. Look at Theresa, sitting on his little ass like an animal.

I knew this was the opportunity I was looking for to surprise Ianto for his birthday and I took it.

I transformed our old library into this:

Look at this AWESOME LIBRARY!
It's gorgeous.


Notice the thoughtful shit I did:

- Put a sofa in there with pillows for Theresa
- Warm blanket for Ianto
- Snacks tray for me
- Books grouped by emotion, then by colour
- Painted the spines of the books if they were too drab!

I also stocked the shelves with the box set third seasons of television shows I thought Ianto would like.

Everyone knows my hallmark for a good third season is how alive the cast members seem at the end of it.
 
I bought Ianto some fabulous vintage holovids:

McMillan & Husband: The Complete Third Season
The Fucks of Life: The Complete Third Season
Merlin: The Complete Third Season
Degrassi Planet: The Complete Third Season
Stargate Universe: The Complete Third Season
Ms. Midshipwoman Harrington: The Complete Third Season

One of those television shows is porn and another one is total crap, but to find out which is which Ianto will have to snuggle up with me in front of the holoscreen!

When Ianto gets back from the space-shops we're going to all jump out and holler surprise.

ARE YOU KIDS WITH ME? I can see his hovercraft pulling up on the CCTV now! HIDE.
 
 
My 51st century feelings today : lovedcelebratory