Ok kids, you begged for it, and I am listening because I heart you all really hard. I wrote that bitchin' fan fiction that is going to get me posting access to torch_wood

I took this story from memory, so some of the details might be a bit off, like the exact way the blood dripped off the walls.

But mostly this is pretty accurate. I looked over it twice, so the spelling and grammar should be fucking awesome!

You have to click on the cut tag to read my bitchin' fan fiction. Oh yeah, please don't steal my characters and write your own fan fiction about them, jesus, I hope you people weren't born in a barn!
 

Illustrated cover by laurab1
The Adventure of the Three Gay Unicorns by Captain Jack Harkness, RAF

Ianto was weeping!

“I don’t think these are friendly unicorns,” he sobbed, wringing his soft pale hands.

Against convention, his Welsh accent somehow made him sound sophisticated, sexy and intelligent. Not like he was just scraped off the farm at all.

I turned my pretty face in his direction, waiting while he adjusted to the sight of my good-looks. It’s always startling to be reminded of how handsome I am. The kind of handsome that would make my bastard ex Erik squawk in indignation, by the way.

“You mean…” the words were barely out of my beautiful mouth before I had turned a suspicious eye on the three gay unicorns grazing on leftover pizza in my office. We’d picked them up as they trotted around the Plass, taking photos of shit here and there, farting rainbows, smelling like hope, etc.

They’d claimed to be lost gay space tourists. Were they fucking liars?

The lead unicorn (we knew he was in charge because he was wearing a tiara), snorted and wheezed nastily, “That’s right Harkness. We’re in the Hub now. And we’re taking over.”

Gwen whirled into the room, whistling in alarm through the gap in her teeth. Her Welshy squealing betrayed her po-faced coal-mining sheep-fucking ancestry. “Fyfwhat shoulld we do!?”

My face surely gave away the pain I felt.

“Buddy,” I announced (to the unicorn), “I’m gonna shoot you in the face!”

BLAM! That was the sound of my gun going off! I LOLed as the bullet slammed into the face of the commander unicorn. Rainbowy gay brain-matter flew out in all directions. His space-diamond tiara smashed against the floor in pieces, a symbol of his broken leadership.

“Who’s next?” I inquired loudly, with great authority. “Come get some…Come get some, hard!”

The gay unicorn closest to us leapt into the air, hurling his poison-tipped hooves at me in a classic offensive move. Oh, he certainly thought he was going to take me out. But, he was so fucking wrong.

“AS IF,” I told him, spinning in a circle quickly to show the cut of my coat to greatest effect. BLAM!

This unicorn’s neck was severed right through his magical jugular. I dispassionately watched big fat ribbons of gore and sparkles spray on the linoleum floor as the headless corpse twitched and flopped about. The expression of dismay on the unicorn’s head was priceless. I wondered briefly if he had suffered, and hoped that he had!

“You are awesome, Jack!” Ianto screamed, hitting the last unicorn really hard with his cleaning broom. He followed up the ninja action by throwing big envelopes from the post, a pot lid, and a pencil case.

“IANTO!” I was so worried. “Careful of the horn, it‘s pointy on the end!!!”

“Oh!!!” Ianto wailed calmly. Although he was pretty quick with cleaning supplies, even his super-sweet broom had been no match for a unicorn horn. The remaining unicorn had stabbed him.

I narrowed my intense blue-eyed gaze at that fucking unicorn. He didn’t even know how much hurt he was in for now.

“Stop stabbing me,” Ianto pleaded politely, but the unicorn was merciless, poking at him!

I had a fabulous idea. “Gwen,” I ordered in my masterful voice. “Take your top off!”

Gwen is so on the ball, she was like: “RIGHT JACK”, and quickly divested herself of whatever preshrunk, flammable Top Shop disaster she was wearing that day.

Being gay and unable to stand the sight of amazing hot boobies, the unicorn recoiled in horror. “Ew,” he grumbled. I saw him hesitate, his eyes rolling into the back of his head like the shark in JAWS. This was it!

I saw my chance to act!

Running the half metre necessary to reach Ianto’s side, I pointed my weapon. “Die fucker!” I told the unicorn gently. I took a moment to reflect on what the Doctor would do in this situation.

“You weren’t meant to exist in this reality,” I explained to the hideous freak. Let it never be said that Torchwood doesn’t have compassion. “I’m so sorry…!” I felt a single tear slide down my perfect cheekbone.

While I was kindly saying all these things, Owen came running in and put a machine on Ianto that filled in the stabbing holes. I should have mentioned that this story takes place before he died. If I remember it right, I think that Owen was outside smoking when this story started.

Owen said some really good comforting things that made Ianto smile weakly. My boys are so brave and hot! I’m so into them.

Just then, Gwen jiggled her awesome tits, prolonging the unicorn’s distraction.

Looking over at my sexy team, I felt a warmth roll through me, beginning in my crotch and moving outwards towards my heart. I pulled the trigger, getting back to business!

BLAM! This time the bullet went straight into the unicorn’s cold, gay heart. He fell over dead, right into the pile of corpse-unicorns. His magical mane and tail were stained with the blood of his brother (maybe lover?) unicorns.

“Whew,” I was pretty pleased with this outcome. I stood there with my hands on my hips, looking amazing and commanding. I put one foot up on the steps to show off my taught thighs.

To celebrate our victory over yet another invasion of Rift shit, Tosh pulled up iTunes and put on her favourite song, “Groove is in the heart” by Dee-lite. We all laughed in unison!! Oh Tosh! She is so much fun. I could just put her in my pocket and carry her around all day.

There was no time for reflection though, there was a crapload of dead unicorn for Ianto to wipe up and bin.

While he did this, I tried on a new pair of trousers. Kids, I looked amazing!

I’m not sure what Owen and Tosh did then, but Gwen put her awful top back on. That was definitely NOT a highlight of the adventure. I had a little pout, before I realized I was being silly. Why not everyone take a shower, then we’d all be topless?

My team is so freakin’ cool, and adores following my suggestions so much that they all agreed. So then we had a nice hot, soapy shower (together!).

I forgot to put in the story how there was actually a spaceship that the unicorns came through the Rift in; they don’t fly through the sky on their own gay rainbow power or whatever. We blew it up with explosives and blamed the hole in the carpark on immigrants. That part wasn’t very interesting so I didn’t put it all in.

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NEW: Check it out! FAN ART by V for my bitchin' fan fiction:


It illustrates one of the best scenes, imho. In real life there was more blood, but art is about interpretation!