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25 March 2009 @ 04:42 pm
Reading Harry Potter  
Dear Captain Jack, A Question about Books. Have you read Harry Potter? I'd like to give it a shot if it's worthwhile.


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tl;dr! I watched the movie instead. Moving pictures are one step-up from books.

Having watched the film, I'm fully qualified to give you an opinion on the book.

First thing you should know... Magic is Torchwood's weakness. It's Superman's weakness too, by the way. So I'm against it in principle.

Yeah we've got a library with books, we've got a Ianto with eyes, there's a copy of the bible under the shorter leg of the coffee table...But what good is all that without the training in the mystic arts you'd need to kill a Witchalock?

Last year the ghostly spectre of Death invaded the Hub for reasons too silly to investigate in my advice column. Really, that shit was nuts! What could we do about it? Practically nothing. Run around and shout mostly.

Being vulnerable to magic brings out my frowny face. I should get an amulet or bunch of dried weeds for under my pillow, huh? There's so little room under there already what with the guns and snacks.

Back to my man Harry Potter.

If we knew each other in RL, we'd probably get along. A childhood in Boe makes growing up in a closet under the stairs look like a holiday in St. Kitts. He had one crazy aunt in his house who yelled at him. I had three crazy staff sergeants in my pod who yelled at me.

Also, Harry's an orphan. Lucky!

He doesn't even HAVE a mother and father to disappoint by losing his little brother. Clearly I've beaten him on the traumatic upbringing scoresheet.

Harry also has a billion brilliant things happen to him in the movie. He gets invited by owl-post to go to Hogwarts Academy.

I got "invited" to the Corps when a robot with a net came sweeping through the colonies conscripting for the war.

Back to the film: At heart, Harry Potter is a story about growing up. It's about how shitty life is in those years before you can transfer out of the infantry and jettison your home system forever.

Harry always wants to say, "Fuck you, Diagon Alley!" but he has to wait until he's 18. :-(

Harry's best friends are Ron, Bella, Dumbledore and Robert Pattinson. Robert Pattinson and Harry are on the Quidditch team together. (A secret you learn about RPattz later is that he's a vampire. He sparkles by wand-light. I squee when it happens and you will too.)

Not sure what goes on in the middle part of the movie, other than Atreyu and Artax dying...

Atreyu and Artax
They die :-(


...So I'll just skip to the juicy parts.

In one chapter, Harry wakes up suddenly in his magical Gryffindor dorm-room. There's Robert Pattinson standing at the foot of his bed.

"I'm watching you sleep, Harry," says he. I must point out that this was extremely sexy.

It's the same situation when Captain Jack watches people sleep, ask anyone!

After that scene I got a malteser stuck on my back molar so I couldn't pay attention until the last and most bitchin' part... Harry finally proves why he is so awesome and worthy of you "reading" this book...He burns a guy to death with the power of love!

YES. EXACTLY. YES!

"Love" comes right out of his hands in a flaming ball of CGI and burns the extra face off the back of the villain's head. The music swells. Screaming occurs! Can you see why I woke up so abruptly during this scene?

"HE'S BURNING THAT GUY!" I whispered to Ianto. "HE'S USING LOVE TO KILL!"

I once had a whole year where I did nothing but watch movies that used to be classic works of fiction. Not only did this help me understand the 21st century, it also got me in the habit of putting Twizzlers in my mouth instead of cigarettes.

Very important when you're trying to quit because Alex is a bitch who thought second-hand smoke would give him cancer but instead he died of bullet-in-the-face, like most Torchwood employees.

I'm going to list my favourite movies that used to be books, so that when you're done with Harry Potter you'll have some great stuff to "read" next:

Captain Jack's List of Outstanding Books:

Jaws, Valley of the Dolls, Shogun, Flowers in the Attic, Under Siege, Jurassic Park, A Walk to Remember, The Postman, Cujo, Mother May I Sleep With Danger?, Moonraker, John Grisham's The Firm, Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula, and The Hunt for Red October.

Give those a "read" kid and get back to me when you need more recs!!!

Yrs helpfully,

Cpt. Jack Harkness

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My 51st century feelings today : energeticliterary
 
 
( 137 problems solved! — I can help you! )
Rhys the Rant: I'm ranting mate!therant_willask on March 25th, 2009 09:39 pm (UTC)
Did you know DUMBLEDORE DIES? Trufax.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 09:47 pm (UTC)
It happens to the old. Not me, of course, but the old in general.
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on March 26th, 2009 12:07 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cruentum on March 26th, 2009 12:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
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dynamite with a laser beam: Pilots do it51stcenturyfox on March 25th, 2009 09:54 pm (UTC)
It's about how shitty life is in those years before you can transfer out of the infantry and jettison your home system forever.

You would have been so screwed if Boeshane had Quidditch tournaments (sand in the eyes).

Plus, mobile infantry and fleet don't mix.

ask_captainjack: Arghask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 10:43 pm (UTC)
This is what I've learned from watching SHARPE'S RIFLES (another fabulous movie that used to be a book).

Cavalry beats Infantry.

Artillery beats Cavalry.

Tanks beat Artillery.

Space ships beat Tanks!

SQUARE FORMATION!!!!!!!

(no subject) - thaddeusfavour on March 25th, 2009 10:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 11:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
CAPTAIN John Hartoh_doask on March 25th, 2009 09:55 pm (UTC)
Put Misery on the list. It's sexy almost-killing with love. Well, and knives. It's practically Harry Potter.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 10:45 pm (UTC)
I'm so into Kathy Bates it's not even funny.

I chatted her up at the Golden Globes but she wasn't interested. She wasn't 'close enough to smell my pheromones' is how Ianto explained it.

Also, if I shout at her through the television screen she can't hear what I'm saying.

One more century to go before two-way tv is invented!
(no subject) - oh_doask on March 25th, 2009 10:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on March 26th, 2009 12:56 am (UTC) (Expand)
Lardvark: Jack Ianto hell of a timecionaudha on March 25th, 2009 09:56 pm (UTC)
Guns and snacks under your pillow? Oh Jack; so unHarknessly coy! I know what's under there. I read things: I know what goes on.

Unless by "snacks" you mean "lube".

Try not to kill Ianto with your sweet sweet lovin', okay? He doesn't have the advantages you do.
Ianto Jones: ohshitask_aboutcoffee on March 25th, 2009 10:31 pm (UTC)
Actually by snacks he means bags of crisps and curly wurly bars.

And by guns he means guns.

It's fine, I'm a light sleeper and I always check the safeties.
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 10:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on March 25th, 2009 10:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gizmometer on March 26th, 2009 12:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - thaddeusfavour on March 25th, 2009 10:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 11:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Vcount_to_seven on March 25th, 2009 10:02 pm (UTC)
Has anyone ever approached you about turning your swimming manual into a film? I bet it would be totally awesome - and hopefully you'd get main billing, so we could see your powerful stroke in action.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 10:53 pm (UTC)
TRUST ME, I'VE PITCHED THE IDEA!

I took a meeting at Metro Goldwyn Meyer in the 30's.

"Let's teach the world to swim," I said. "Let's teach them my sexy method."

What happened? David O. Selznick and his casting couch is what happened. I was chewed up by the Hollywood machine and spat out like Norma Desmond! Fine, fuck that.

I'm going to wait 70 years until they invent Livejournal and put my thoughts on my fucking blog, Selznick!
loupgarosloupgaros on March 25th, 2009 10:03 pm (UTC)
You forgot 2001: A Space Odyssey! Best film evar! :P
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 10:54 pm (UTC)
Space baby. Hotel room! Space baby? Thank goodness there were funny monkeys in that movie or I'd never have finished the book!
(no subject) - loupgaros on March 25th, 2009 10:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Ianto Jones: skepticalask_aboutcoffee on March 25th, 2009 10:21 pm (UTC)
Jack, did you know we have three wolfoids in cold storage? Just in case of witchaloks.

Also someone sent us Shark Attack 3. I don't know why. Do you think it's some kind of trick? It's not based on a book that I know of. I think we should watch it, though. I swear this will not be like the time I told you Casablanca was based on the memoirs of Casanova.

Personally I'm waiting for the film version of Knight Moves.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 10:56 pm (UTC)
I would nominate Captain Jack Harkness for the role of sexy medieval knight. I'd nominate me hard.

Yeah about the wolfoids, I don't even have a sword that kills those things. Seriously --- Do we have to hold hands and dance around an oak tree? I'm very wary of anything that's too Wicca. I don't want to turn into a lesbian like Willow. I'm fine being omnisexual.

Re: Shark Attack 3. Is it ok if I haven't read the first 2 Shark Attack books? How do they go?
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on March 25th, 2009 11:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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hab318princesshab318princess on March 25th, 2009 10:37 pm (UTC)
looking at your list of outstanding books - loved reading Shogun but got scared at Jurassic Park (spouse had to play monopoly with me to calm me down) - Myfanwy is the first dinosaur that doesn't scare me

and Atreyu is from the Neverending story, not Harry Potter
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 10:57 pm (UTC)
and Atreyu is from the Neverending story, not Harry Potter

You are mistaken! I never forget a movie I've read.

Atreyu is totally in Harry Potter, he's just in there near the back.
(no subject) - hab318princess on March 26th, 2009 07:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
thaddeusfavour: SPN dean01thaddeusfavour on March 25th, 2009 10:46 pm (UTC)
You forgot my favorite bit, where Harry and Hermione give fire to water and take fire from water right before blasting the ancient evil right in the face with the power of love! It's like the end, but somewhere before it. I think they cut the part where Harry tosses his whirling blade of death at the evil and Ron turns into a tiger.

*****
Last year the ghostly spectre of Death invaded the Hub for reasons too silly to investigate in my advice column. Really, that shit was nuts! What could we do about it? Practically nothing. Run around and shout mostly.

Started laughing here and didn't stop until the end! :P


ask_captainjackask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 11:05 pm (UTC)
A tiger? Seriously???? Man, I love tigers. They're my second favourite animal to hunt after the most dangerous game (human).

We used to be able to shoot tigers all the live long day when I was stationed in India. I still have a tiger head ashtray in the basement. Now tigers are endangered.

You 21st century humans and your waste of natural resources. SHAME ON YOU.
Time travelling dontask_pcandydontask_pcandy on March 25th, 2009 10:53 pm (UTC)
Someone gave me a book about trees in Britain and their magical and herbal medicinal properties. Some relative.

I was quite srtuck by the idea, but haven't seen more than three of the trees in total since. I was considering swapping it for a architectural monograph on variations of concrete since 1970 but got too depressed.

Hunt for Red Oktober: "I would like to have seen Montana" best death scene ever.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 11:01 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!!! Weary soldier mentions a longing for a place of his own. Pretty much marks himself for death. That's also how it happened in Sniper.

I tell the team, "if you have plans for after 'retirement', keep them to yourselves, don't share them."

Also, if you're planning to make it to retirement I'm so sad for you.

Months ago I said to Tosh, "HEY TOSHIKO your 5 year contract is almost up! Soon you'll be free!" I gave her the dazzle tooth smile and a thumbs up. WHY DID I DO THAT? I DOOMED HER.
Cruentumcruentum on March 25th, 2009 10:59 pm (UTC)
The Hunt for Red October is awesome. Can't say I'm into Harry Potter too much even if I like Snape. Any thoughts on Snape? He's the evil guy that pokes Harry. Except he isn't evil because there was something between him and Harry's mom. And then he betrayed her. For LOVE!
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 11:03 pm (UTC)
I totally forgot that Hans Gruber was in Harry Potter. Yeah he's pretty wicked.

I like how he says SHOOT ZE GLASS! to Harry when they're fighting Voldemort. So badass. So German.

Also, his sweatshirt that says HO HO HO NOW I HAVE A WAND.
(no subject) - cruentum on March 25th, 2009 11:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on March 26th, 2009 12:57 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cruentum on March 26th, 2009 01:00 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on March 26th, 2009 01:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cruentum on March 26th, 2009 01:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
10_rose: Jack/Ianto10_rose on March 25th, 2009 11:04 pm (UTC)
If I woke up and you were standing next to my bed watching me sleep, I'd need magic to clean my sheets.
CAPTAIN John Hartoh_doask on March 25th, 2009 11:06 pm (UTC)
Or Ianto.
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 11:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on March 25th, 2009 11:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 11:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 11:10 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - 10_rose on March 25th, 2009 11:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on March 26th, 2009 12:16 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on March 26th, 2009 12:19 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on March 26th, 2009 12:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on March 26th, 2009 12:59 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on March 25th, 2009 11:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on March 26th, 2009 12:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - ask_captainjack on March 26th, 2009 01:13 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on March 26th, 2009 01:16 am (UTC) (Expand)
woman_of_woman_of_ on March 25th, 2009 11:14 pm (UTC)
Oh Jack, Good advice!
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on March 25th, 2009 11:23 pm (UTC)
I know, isn't it? I'm going to recommend myself in the future. I rec me to rec to you!
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on March 26th, 2009 02:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on March 26th, 2009 02:59 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on March 26th, 2009 03:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on March 26th, 2009 03:49 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on March 26th, 2009 04:41 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on March 26th, 2009 12:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on March 26th, 2009 01:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on March 26th, 2009 01:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
ask_myfanwyask_myfanwy on March 26th, 2009 02:04 am (UTC)
ExxxxxxxxxxspelliarSCRAW!!!
La Femme Crayola: Darkplace - Garth Marenghiannlarimer on March 26th, 2009 02:30 am (UTC)
INORITE!
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on March 26th, 2009 02:49 am (UTC) (Expand)
Madisonmegoobietoo on March 26th, 2009 03:12 am (UTC)
You're my favorite.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on March 26th, 2009 03:22 am (UTC)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Captains are sweet
And Megoobietoo!
(no subject) - megoobietoo on March 26th, 2009 03:38 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on March 26th, 2009 03:42 am (UTC) (Expand)
Cruentumcruentum on March 26th, 2009 07:30 pm (UTC)
I blame you for my attempt at making a croissanwich today. Successful attempt, I should say, it was tasty and all. But I so blame you.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on March 26th, 2009 10:19 pm (UTC)
Blame? You should be thanking me!

Now that you've made a basic croissanwich, you should try it grilled. When you're eating it, I dare you to wash it down with some Pimms and NOT think of me fondly.
( 137 problems solved! — I can help you! )