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05 April 2009 @ 03:05 pm
Snogless in Florida  
Dear Captain Jack: Okay, so I'm a rather nice (if nerdy and socially awkward) 16-year-old girl, who will be seventeen in a month and a few days' time. Thing is, I still haven't been kissed! How lame, mirite? I've been told by a good number of boys and a few girls that I am good-looking (Hell, I'll even give you a picture of me for proof. It's not particularly sexy, mind, but it gets the point across as far as my face goes. I'm actually of normal height and curvy to the point of backache, but I'm not going to get into size specifics because not everyone cares.), so I'm kinda like 'what the fuck', y'know? I'm not even looking for a boyfriend; I just wanna see what the big deal about snogging is! I mean, it LOOKS like fun, and I've been TOLD it's fun, but nobody seems to want to snog me. (Well, anyone that I wanna snog, anyways. I'd prefer the boy to be cute.)

So, since you know everything, and, as I already established, are full of awesome and sexing and whatnot, I figured you might be able to give me some advice on this front. It'd sure make me feel better... I mean, it can't be that hard finding a teenage boy to kiss, right? Sincerely, Snogless in Florida

PS: If I say you're AWESOME, do I get this answered faster? Or better? ;D


------------------

I vividly remember being 16 going on 17 in the 51st century. Fellows were falling in line, that's for sure. Unfortunately, I was only interested in one fellow in particular.

JAKE RYAN!
JAKE RYAN-117


Oh Jake. Shit!

Snogless, you don't even know how crazy I was for this boy. He had a killer hover-car. He had the hottest sweater vests! His house parties were OFF THE FUCKING HOOK!

He had a fetish about smooching over birthday cakes on top of his dining table. I tried to find out what happened to him after the war. I'm pretty sure he made Master Chief before he was blown to bits by the Covenant armada.

Back to your problem: Sweetheart I can see from your picture that you're cute as a button. I know about cute buttons because Ianto has three drawers of them sorted by size, holes and material. (Why???)

I'll tell you a secret that is true whether you want to snog a human boy or alien girl ---- There is no such thing as "unsnoggable". If the old, ugly or wrinkly couldn't be smooched, how would John Hart ever get laid? Don't be concerned about your height, size, or arbitrary standards of good-lookingness. If you want to snog somebody, you need to smile at a boy like you're smiling in your photo. It's all about the smile!

Smiling nicely is the best way to get kissed. It says: "I'm a pleasant person. I like you." That's all you need to communicate.

I'm going to help you out by demonstrating some of the best smiles I have in my "Snog me please!" arsenal.

A visual guide for you!


The Many Smiles of Cpt Jack Harkness


HA HA HA! Everyone stop licking the screen! You will blur up your laptop and won't be able to read my amazing advice.

Okay, what do all these fanfuckingtastic smiles have in common? Great teeth, yes. Showing your teeth is incredibly important, especially when they're as shiny and gorgeous as mine are.

When you have a great big toothy smile on your face it is so much prettier than one of those tight-lipped "maybe" smiles that the Welsh are so into. Tyra says you have to smile "with your eyes". Fuck that! Do you see anybody snogging Tyra? Rarely.

(Anthropology lesson: When humans smile, it's okay to show your teeth. If you're hitting on chimps or dolphins, obviously, you want to tuck those incisors away.)

Okay let's tackle these smiles one by one:

ONE: This is the classic Harkness "Oh! Ha. Ha ha!" smile. Use this one when you're responding to something your crush is saying. I also paste this one on my face as an "everyday" sort of smile for strolling down the street.

TWO: I call this one "Shy guy". It communicates that you're interested, in a coy kind of "Why don't you ask me what I'm doing after 3rd period?" kind of way.

THREE: This is the "Hell yes, I see you looking at me" grin. Use this one when you're in a cafe in Piazza Navona. Hook your left arm over your chair and watch the hotties stroll by. When they check you out appreciatively, you fire this smile right back at them. "Yeah I see you. What are YOU doing after 3rd period?"

FOUR: One of my very favourites. The "slightly manic, party monster!" This is a smile you would use to overpower somebody with the force of your happiness! When people around you are unhappy, throw this smile on and turn up the music. This is a great smile for math class.

FIVE: The last smile is instantly attractive. "Facebook Profile". This is the kind of smile you take home to your Mums and Moms and Dads. Anybody who receives this smile is going to get the warm fuzzies, Snogless. I recommend this smile for good friends you are hoping might become boyfriends. It sure as hell worked on Jake when we were sitting on that dining table so many centuries in the future!

When you find your Jake, you'll know.

Just don't accept a ride home in his Dad's Rolls unless you're both sober.

Yrs helpfully,

Cpt. Jack Harkness

PS: I am awesome, thanks for pointing that out! Compliments don't get you better advice, they do get you Smile #3, though.

 
 
My 51st century feelings today : surprisedSMOOCH
 
 
 
( 266 problems solved! — I can help you! )
oneloveonelight: snoglisaoneloveonelight on April 5th, 2009 07:58 pm (UTC)
Look at this, Snogless in Florida. Look at it!

Photobucket

Smiles DO get you everywhere. Fortunately, it's much easier for a girl to smile than guys. Personally, I think all a girl has to do is just do the #3 and you're going to get laid. Do the #3. It's a risk since it's a "guy smile" but I GUARAN-FUCKING-TEE you...

Edited at 2009-04-05 07:59 pm (UTC)
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 08:00 pm (UTC)
#3 is definitely a Guy-ish Smile, but our Gwen has mastered it!

The only thing wrong with this piccie is that my face is in shadow! FUCK. I look amazing going in for a snog.
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 5th, 2009 08:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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and a little bit foxy: devil jackkitty_cate on April 5th, 2009 07:59 pm (UTC)
THANK YOU
Made of win. I will definitely use this advice.

And ooh, smile number three, eh? I like that one. ;)
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 08:06 pm (UTC)
Re: THANK YOU
It's a go-to smile that's for sure! Combine it with a slow sexy wink for maximum potential.
Re: THANK YOU - kitty_cate on April 5th, 2009 08:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Ianto Jones: boyfriendask_aboutcoffee on April 5th, 2009 08:07 pm (UTC)
Because you lose buttons with dizzying regularity, Jack, and you complain if they don't match. Also because they're shiny and soothing.

I have some other advice for Snogless in Florida, which is: if smiling fails, try coffee or letting a dinosaur drop them on you. It's a tough stunt to pull off but usually worth the effort.
oneloveonelight: I'vegotatheoryoneloveonelight on April 5th, 2009 08:09 pm (UTC)
Also, apocalypses are amazing in getting the hormones going. I highly recommend getting one in gear if you are in such a position...
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ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 08:10 pm (UTC)
try coffee or letting a dinosaur drop them on you

That's how you get a JOB in the modern workplace. Not how to get snogged. If you had wanted a snog instead of employment I would have helped you out far sooner!
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and a little bit foxy: cornucopiakitty_cate on April 5th, 2009 11:59 pm (UTC)
Okay, so! I have a resident 'dinosaur' (okay, so she's not really a dinosaur, she's a person, but we call her a dinosaur because, er... she's a fucking t-rex!) who is willing to drop a boy on me. Question is, where do we find a boy to drop? And how high do we drop him from so that he isn't hurt, but I can be like 'oh, you're safe because you conveniently landed on my boobs a soft area, let's make with the snog-time now'?
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(Deleted comment)
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 08:31 pm (UTC)
Steff was pretty badass. It was a Inner Planets / Outer Systems class war in my high school pod too, like so many others!
dynamite with a laser beam: Andie and Steff51stcenturyfox on April 5th, 2009 08:29 pm (UTC)
That is one of my top movies of all time. Maybe not topping Pretty in Pink. Because. Steff.

<----------

You and Jake Ryan? I may have to write a crossover.

Sexy Boeshanian boyyyyyyyfriend!

oneloveonelight: you come shag me capt jackoneloveonelight on April 5th, 2009 08:31 pm (UTC)
Hey, baby. You seem kinda hot...
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hab318princesshab318princess on April 5th, 2009 08:29 pm (UTC)
what's wrong with being unsnogged at 16? Unlike Torchwood employees you will be living for longer than the mid 30s and you therefore have a much better chance of finding the right person (or the person for right now - I'm sure John will be happy to provide that service, just send him a plane ticket or co-ordinates)

ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 08:35 pm (UTC)
I think Florida is trying to CURB the amount of "IT'S ALIVE" babies born to teenagers these days.

It's alive!
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time king of gallibee: nakeygizmometer on April 5th, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC)
oh three *fans self*
you're a delicious delicious man, captain jack. a pterodactyl can drop you on me any time.

OH. a QUESTION: i have snogging a-plenty. there are dudes and ladies practically lined up to stick their mouthparts on mine. but how do i go from snogging to True Love(tm)?! is there another kind of smile i need to learn?!
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 08:41 pm (UTC)
TRUE LOVE: How to find it.

Well I must say, How do you avoid it!?

In my case, it's obvious that everyone has the True Love for me. I don't blame them at all. I'm in True Love with myself, as well!
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mischief89: Jackmischief89 on April 5th, 2009 08:41 pm (UTC)
I kind of skipped the advice until I saw the pics of you and went back to see how I can get a snog from YOU. I thought a combo of all five might work, but that would be scary and I think I'd pop my cheeks or something.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 08:44 pm (UTC)
WHEN YOU FEEL THE BURN IN YOUR CHEEKS YOU KNOW YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT!

You're stretching your smile muscles! It's like doing kegel exercises but for your mouth.
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CAPTAIN John Hart: smugoh_doask on April 5th, 2009 09:05 pm (UTC)
I sucked iced earth worms, too, at 16 while Jack was playing Hunt The Zipper with the cool kids and rolled around in the sand.

It's going to get better. You're going to grow up to be like me.

SMILEY FACE.
and a little bit foxykitty_cate on April 5th, 2009 09:08 pm (UTC)
FROWNY FACE

DO NOT WANT

I need a frowny icon.
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(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 5th, 2009 11:52 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 5th, 2009 11:57 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 11:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 6th, 2009 12:03 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 6th, 2009 12:16 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 6th, 2009 12:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 6th, 2009 12:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on April 6th, 2009 12:18 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 6th, 2009 12:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on April 5th, 2009 11:57 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 5th, 2009 11:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 6th, 2009 12:00 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 6th, 2009 12:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on April 6th, 2009 12:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 6th, 2009 12:04 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 5th, 2009 10:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 10:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 5th, 2009 10:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 09:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 5th, 2009 09:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylenn on April 5th, 2009 11:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on April 5th, 2009 09:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - kitty_cate on April 5th, 2009 09:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on April 5th, 2009 09:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 09:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - kitty_cate on April 5th, 2009 09:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - kitty_cate on April 6th, 2009 12:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - kitty_cate on April 6th, 2009 03:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
10_rose: Rose10_rose on April 5th, 2009 10:03 pm (UTC)
Great advice!
And now, some random poetry:

Mercurians, female and male,
Whenever they tear off some tail,
Do all their lovin'
Inside of and oven--
They think of us Earthlings as frail.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 10:12 pm (UTC)
The toughest of tough is a Pluton.
Never let one in your futon!
The bedframe will crack
While flat on your back
I hope you escape with your boots on!

(no subject) - 10_rose on April 5th, 2009 10:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 10:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - 10_rose on April 5th, 2009 11:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 5th, 2009 11:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Cookies: Devi Gabilisciousvampire_cookies on April 7th, 2009 01:13 am (UTC)
While completely off-topic but relevent nevertheless, may I ask, dear Captain, if you had anything to do with the concept development behind this?:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/hot_new_video_game_consists?utm_source=a-section

/scampers off to snog Jake Ryan
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 7th, 2009 01:36 am (UTC)
"A man with a mysterious past who must explode hundreds of thousands of human faces..."

FINALLY a video game based on me that doesn't make me look as bloated as Donkey Kong did!

Yes, I love to throw barrels. Who doesn't? Just because they only had 8 bits to render me in doesn't mean they had to be such bitches.

Donkey Kong

(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 7th, 2009 01:53 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 7th, 2009 01:57 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 7th, 2009 02:03 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 7th, 2009 02:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 7th, 2009 02:19 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 7th, 2009 02:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 7th, 2009 02:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 7th, 2009 02:42 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 7th, 2009 02:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 7th, 2009 02:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 7th, 2009 02:27 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 7th, 2009 02:38 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 7th, 2009 02:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 7th, 2009 02:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 7th, 2009 02:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 7th, 2009 02:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 7th, 2009 03:03 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 7th, 2009 03:25 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 7th, 2009 02:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 7th, 2009 02:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 7th, 2009 02:51 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 7th, 2009 02:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 7th, 2009 02:56 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 7th, 2009 02:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 7th, 2009 03:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
and a little bit foxykitty_cate on September 24th, 2009 04:52 am (UTC)
Hey, Jack, guess what? About a month and my 17th birthday and then about three more months later, it WORKED! Crazy, mirite? It was the number two smile that did it.

Although, fair enough, it was from a friend who I had been messing around with all day, and with some of my friends, we have less boundaries (a.k.a. he grabs my ass and boobs, which I'm okay with)... And he has a girlfriend (who knows he did this, and is fine with it)... But I say it counts!

So, um, to tl;dr that shit, you were right! YAY, YOU!

I consider my problem thoroughly shot in the face.
( 266 problems solved! — I can help you! )