Dear Captain Jack: Okay, so I'm a rather nice (if nerdy and socially awkward) 16-year-old girl, who will be seventeen in a month and a few days' time. Thing is, I still haven't been kissed! How lame, mirite? I've been told by a good number of boys and a few girls that I am good-looking (Hell, I'll even give you a picture of me for proof. It's not particularly sexy, mind, but it gets the point across as far as my face goes. I'm actually of normal height and curvy to the point of backache, but I'm not going to get into size specifics because not everyone cares.), so I'm kinda like 'what the fuck', y'know? I'm not even looking for a boyfriend; I just wanna see what the big deal about snogging is! I mean, it LOOKS like fun, and I've been TOLD it's fun, but nobody seems to want to snog me. (Well, anyone that I wanna snog, anyways. I'd prefer the boy to be cute.)
So, since you know everything, and, as I already established, are full of awesome and sexing and whatnot, I figured you might be able to give me some advice on this front. It'd sure make me feel better... I mean, it can't be that hard finding a teenage boy to kiss, right? Sincerely, Snogless in Florida
PS: If I say you're AWESOME, do I get this answered faster? Or better? ;D
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I vividly remember being 16 going on 17 in the 51st century. Fellows were falling in line, that's for sure. Unfortunately, I was only interested in one fellow in particular.
JAKE RYAN-117
Oh Jake. Shit!
Snogless, you don't even know how crazy I was for this boy. He had a killer hover-car. He had the hottest sweater vests! His house parties were OFF THE FUCKING HOOK!
He had a fetish about smooching over birthday cakes on top of his dining table. I tried to find out what happened to him after the war. I'm pretty sure he made Master Chief before he was blown to bits by the Covenant armada.
Back to your problem: Sweetheart I can see from your picture that you're cute as a button. I know about cute buttons because Ianto has three drawers of them sorted by size, holes and material. (Why???)
I'll tell you a secret that is true whether you want to snog a human boy or alien girl ---- There is no such thing as "unsnoggable". If the old, ugly or wrinkly couldn't be smooched, how would John Hart ever get laid? Don't be concerned about your height, size, or arbitrary standards of good-lookingness. If you want to snog somebody, you need to smile at a boy like you're smiling in your photo. It's all about the smile!
Smiling nicely is the best way to get kissed. It says: "I'm a pleasant person. I like you." That's all you need to communicate.
I'm going to help you out by demonstrating some of the best smiles I have in my "Snog me please!" arsenal.
A visual guide for you!
HA HA HA! Everyone stop licking the screen! You will blur up your laptop and won't be able to read my amazing advice.
Okay, what do all these fanfuckingtastic smiles have in common? Great teeth, yes. Showing your teeth is incredibly important, especially when they're as shiny and gorgeous as mine are.
When you have a great big toothy smile on your face it is so much prettier than one of those tight-lipped "maybe" smiles that the Welsh are so into. Tyra says you have to smile "with your eyes". Fuck that! Do you see anybody snogging Tyra? Rarely.
(Anthropology lesson: When humans smile, it's okay to show your teeth. If you're hitting on chimps or dolphins, obviously, you want to tuck those incisors away.)
Okay let's tackle these smiles one by one:
ONE: This is the classic Harkness "Oh! Ha. Ha ha!" smile. Use this one when you're responding to something your crush is saying. I also paste this one on my face as an "everyday" sort of smile for strolling down the street.
TWO: I call this one "Shy guy". It communicates that you're interested, in a coy kind of "Why don't you ask me what I'm doing after 3rd period?" kind of way.
THREE: This is the "Hell yes, I see you looking at me" grin. Use this one when you're in a cafe in Piazza Navona. Hook your left arm over your chair and watch the hotties stroll by. When they check you out appreciatively, you fire this smile right back at them. "Yeah I see you. What are YOU doing after 3rd period?"
FOUR: One of my very favourites. The "slightly manic, party monster!" This is a smile you would use to overpower somebody with the force of your happiness! When people around you are unhappy, throw this smile on and turn up the music. This is a great smile for math class.
FIVE: The last smile is instantly attractive. "Facebook Profile". This is the kind of smile you take home to your Mums and Moms and Dads. Anybody who receives this smile is going to get the warm fuzzies, Snogless. I recommend this smile for good friends you are hoping might become boyfriends. It sure as hell worked on Jake when we were sitting on that dining table so many centuries in the future!
When you find your Jake, you'll know.
Just don't accept a ride home in his Dad's Rolls unless you're both sober.
Yrs helpfully,
Cpt. Jack Harkness
PS: I am awesome, thanks for pointing that out! Compliments don't get you better advice, they do get you Smile #3, though.
So, since you know everything, and, as I already established, are full of awesome and sexing and whatnot, I figured you might be able to give me some advice on this front. It'd sure make me feel better... I mean, it can't be that hard finding a teenage boy to kiss, right? Sincerely, Snogless in Florida
PS: If I say you're AWESOME, do I get this answered faster? Or better? ;D
------------------
I vividly remember being 16 going on 17 in the 51st century. Fellows were falling in line, that's for sure. Unfortunately, I was only interested in one fellow in particular.
JAKE RYAN-117
Oh Jake. Shit!
Snogless, you don't even know how crazy I was for this boy. He had a killer hover-car. He had the hottest sweater vests! His house parties were OFF THE FUCKING HOOK!
He had a fetish about smooching over birthday cakes on top of his dining table. I tried to find out what happened to him after the war. I'm pretty sure he made Master Chief before he was blown to bits by the Covenant armada.
Back to your problem: Sweetheart I can see from your picture that you're cute as a button. I know about cute buttons because Ianto has three drawers of them sorted by size, holes and material. (Why???)
I'll tell you a secret that is true whether you want to snog a human boy or alien girl ---- There is no such thing as "unsnoggable". If the old, ugly or wrinkly couldn't be smooched, how would John Hart ever get laid? Don't be concerned about your height, size, or arbitrary standards of good-lookingness. If you want to snog somebody, you need to smile at a boy like you're smiling in your photo. It's all about the smile!
Smiling nicely is the best way to get kissed. It says: "I'm a pleasant person. I like you." That's all you need to communicate.
I'm going to help you out by demonstrating some of the best smiles I have in my "Snog me please!" arsenal.
HA HA HA! Everyone stop licking the screen! You will blur up your laptop and won't be able to read my amazing advice.
Okay, what do all these fanfuckingtastic smiles have in common? Great teeth, yes. Showing your teeth is incredibly important, especially when they're as shiny and gorgeous as mine are.
When you have a great big toothy smile on your face it is so much prettier than one of those tight-lipped "maybe" smiles that the Welsh are so into. Tyra says you have to smile "with your eyes". Fuck that! Do you see anybody snogging Tyra? Rarely.
(Anthropology lesson: When humans smile, it's okay to show your teeth. If you're hitting on chimps or dolphins, obviously, you want to tuck those incisors away.)
Okay let's tackle these smiles one by one:
ONE: This is the classic Harkness "Oh! Ha. Ha ha!" smile. Use this one when you're responding to something your crush is saying. I also paste this one on my face as an "everyday" sort of smile for strolling down the street.
TWO: I call this one "Shy guy". It communicates that you're interested, in a coy kind of "Why don't you ask me what I'm doing after 3rd period?" kind of way.
THREE: This is the "Hell yes, I see you looking at me" grin. Use this one when you're in a cafe in Piazza Navona. Hook your left arm over your chair and watch the hotties stroll by. When they check you out appreciatively, you fire this smile right back at them. "Yeah I see you. What are YOU doing after 3rd period?"
FOUR: One of my very favourites. The "slightly manic, party monster!" This is a smile you would use to overpower somebody with the force of your happiness! When people around you are unhappy, throw this smile on and turn up the music. This is a great smile for math class.
FIVE: The last smile is instantly attractive. "Facebook Profile". This is the kind of smile you take home to your Mums and Moms and Dads. Anybody who receives this smile is going to get the warm fuzzies, Snogless. I recommend this smile for good friends you are hoping might become boyfriends. It sure as hell worked on Jake when we were sitting on that dining table so many centuries in the future!
When you find your Jake, you'll know.
Just don't accept a ride home in his Dad's Rolls unless you're both sober.
Yrs helpfully,
Cpt. Jack Harkness
PS: I am awesome, thanks for pointing that out! Compliments don't get you better advice, they do get you Smile #3, though.
Current Location: Outside the government, beyond the police
My 51st century feelings today : 
SMOOCH
SMOOCH266 problems solved! | I can help you!
