Where the fuck is my egg nog?



From: Captain Jack Harkness
To: All Staff
Priority: Very High to Extremely High

Kids, I know you're all sexily shovelling the space-snow off the space-Plass, but pay attention to two things:

1) I need more egg nog, my mug is empty! Christ, don't make me nog my own eggs. :-(

2) Check out this weird reading! It blip-blooped up on the Rift monitor when you were struggling into your space-snowpants... 

Strange transmission 

It came in with a transmission ... pretty garbled, though...

PS: If you're bringing me egg nog, don't forget the cinnamon. I'm on the couch with the dog! 



Contrary to crazy reports, Ianto Jones has not been "removed" from life. He's just been "removed" from the 21st century.

I know because I was there when he was "removed" and he was breathing just fine, for fuck's sake.

See this shrine? It's touching. But wrong-headed.

Shrine to Ianto
No need for this outpouring of love for my butler

So many weeping civilians...! Hell, I get it. I'd probably weep too if Ianto died. My nose would flow with grief and sadness. My baby blue eyeballs would be swollen with tears...I'd look gorgeous, but pained! But that's not what happened, folks.

I don't care what Mermaid Quay Management has to say about it.

(We had to put up a notice at the Tourist Office to explain what really happened...)


I'm giving you a "gift". Free use of Torchwood!

I got a letter taped to my forehead this morning. It's funny how requests for advice follow me into the 53rd century!

Don't worry, I quickly shot this problem in the face.

Dear Captain Jack,

I need your help!

Not long ago I was swept up in a technological mishap that moved me, my entire team of colleagues, and my husband to the 53rd century. Now don't get me wrong -- I love the 53rd century! The fashion is amazing, the food is good (piggin is kind of an acquired taste) and the blankets are just right for cocooning.

The problem is that there was supposed to be this documentary aired about us in the 21st Century, and I never got to see it. Well, this past week the "RetroBeeb" holochannel was playing a re-run, so I settled in to watch it with my husband, my dog Max, and a huge bowl of hyperpopcorn. Paradise, right?


( OH HEY. You watched CHILDREN OF EARTH! Guess what kids, I'm giving you a "gift"... )
  • Current Mood
    giggly setting things straight
  • Tags

Ready for Children of Earth?

Ready for Children of Earth, you GQ muthafuckahs?

For ask_captainjack I'm going to clean up the links and sidebar to include all related materials. There are related fics being written that are so damn fine!

I'll also go and title some of the posts in the "Classic Advice" to get more on the sidebar. And of course, there's always the possibility of an Ask Captain Jack Christmas Special...

You might like to...
Check out PC Andy's amazing askverse_fic com.
Check out spiderine's smoking hot Martha/Hart porn "Night Watch"
Check out neifile7's Epic Poem of LOLZ: The love song of A. ROFLd Trusock
Check out amand_r's oddly touching Weevil POV (D)evolution
Download 51stcenturyfox 's Ask World Soundtrack (these songs are kick ass, everyone contributed)

THANK YOU SO MUCH for beating my charity challenge by giving £5 and £1 donations to Comic Relief. I was hoping for £50 but you raised over £80. In my homeland's Canadian bucks that's $150, holy shit. As copperbadge  said, "We bought a guy a melon stall!". 

Fan fiction: The Adventure of the Wild, Wild West

Ever since I showed you my bitchin' beta work I've been getting requests for more of my bitchin' fan fictions. I don't like to disappoint the Internets, so please enjoy the following!

Title: The Adventure of the Wild, Wild West

Author: ask_captainjack
Beta: ask_captainjack
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen is also in the story but not sexually active
Warnings: Face-shooting, hurt/comfort, time-travel, awesomeness
Summary: Torchwood travels into the American Wild West to save the day!
Timeline: This story takes place after The Adventure of the Three Gay Unicorns because Toshiko and Owen are dead. :-(
Author Note: Still grieving the loss of Toshiko and Owen so am only accepting positive criticism. By that I mean compliments.

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Smart is Sexy

Dear Captain Jack,

I am writing because I saw in your last advice column that you defended a thesis on the SPRAY THE MUTHAFUCKIN SCENE, MUTHFUCKAH! technique in Battle School. I'm working on my thesis right now. It's not about spraying the scene with bullets, though. Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time with it.

I have never had such a hard time writing anything in my life. I go out of my way to procrastinate with long, hard sessions of house-cleaning in nothing but my lingerie, long periods of time surfing XTube online literary magazines, and midday naps (also nearly naked). When I get up the courage to write, it's like I have to fight for every sentence. This has gone on for months, and my thesis advisor is getting exasperated with me. Not to mention, I'm getting exasperated with myself.

I was hoping you could either heal my writer's block with your cock, or share your experiences thesis-defending in Battle School in order to help me realize what I'm doing wrong, and give me some tips on getting through this thesis so I emerge as the sexy academic superstar I know I can be. Help me, Captain Jack! Help me shoot this thesis in the face!

Love and titties,
Smart Is Sexy


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