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12 April 2009 @ 02:47 pm
Sleepless in Seaforth  
Dear Captain Jack: Hiya Captain Jack! This is sort of a medical/lifestyle question for you. :D I'm in my first year of college and it's really wearing me out. I study at my place late hours and I'm too tired to pay attention the next day. Don't think I'm a super party girl or that I drink a lot. Usually I just get to bed early enough but I hate getting up in the morning lately. ARGH.

I used to be able to handle my crazy schedule but not even loads and loads of coffee helps me. Not that I would say NO if Ianto made me some (^_^). Will I get out of this stage? Is it school and all this new stuff around? I hate that I can't push my own body as hard as I used to. Catching up on rest over the weekend is impossible. I have volunteer stuff to do pretty early and that takes up my time. What should I do? Cut back on some stuff? PS: I'm a pretty good student just really tired lately. I'm Sleepless in Seaforth!

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I'll say this calmly: A vampire is visiting you at night!!! Cry, little sister. Thou shall not fall.

This is how it goes: One day you're browsing the boardwalk comic-book store in your new town, the next you're jumping off bridges because a voice in the fog told you to do it!

Listen, don't panic. DO NOT PANIC, SWEETHEART! Do NOT wander out into your backyard and have sex with any beast-like creatures you might find out there. You should also avoid drinking absinthe with a top-hatted stranger, unless that stranger is me.

It's timely that you're getting this news on Easter Sunday, because Jesus hated vampires too.

At Torchwood we have very powerful computer programs in place to track this shit. We note strange scholastic patterns in students of a neck-biteable age. Toshiko wrote a whole algorithm to address these complex scenarios.

Let's say Welshwoman "Mary Llewellyn Daffyd" is usually an A student. Suddenly, she's grumpy, tired-looking, and getting Cs...

Is she on the cocaine? Is she menstruating? Is she just one of millions of underachieving British?

The computer runs the probabilities automatically. Statistically it's more likely she's become an alcoholic than a victim of vampirism. When the computer spits out 'Alcoholism', Torchwood breathes a sigh of relief!

Unfortunately, every once in a while, the program will trigger an alarm. The sound of the alarm is: "BLONG!" And the associated blinking light is coal-black ---- like the dark heart of a blood-thirsty fiend!

This alarm goes off so rarely. It causes chaos in the Hub.

"What's going BLONG!?" shrieks Ianto over the noise, or maybe Gwen, if Ianto is paralyzed by fear. "I can't make Jack's coffee with all this unexpected noise in my adorable, lickable ears!"

I'm a master of handling chaos, so I lock that shit down before my team freaks out. I hurl myself over the railing of whatever balcony I happen to be posing on, so I can embrace my sexy team.

"Don't be frightened," I whisper as I clutch them tightly. "It's the vampire alarm. We have to go kill some vampires. Right now. YES!"

Thanks to television and movies, pretty much everyone knows how you kill a vampire: You shoot it in the face.

I'm going to give you a break-down so you can handle this infestation yourself.

How to kill a vampire by Cpt. Jack Harkness, RAF

Ingredients you will need:
1) A gun (and some bullets)
2) A cover story for the local authorities

The next time you're snug in your bed - probably in a cute little camisole that screams: "Suck my blood" - make sure you have one hand on your pistol under your pillow.

I'm assuming you have French doors or something sexy like that, in my mental picture. Well when Mr. Vampire taps at the glass to hiss: "Let me in", you pull out your Webley and get him straight between the eyes.

If you're especially daring you can wait until he's bending over you to fang you. Don't let him fang you, kid! Shoot him in the face at close-range. Easier to hit your target, but also likely to ruin your bedspread.

You're probably not as experienced at shooting something in the face as Torchwood is. That's okay, I don't expect you to be amazing on your first attempt. If you just wing your vampire, maybe in the crotch or shoulder, don't worry. That's what the rest of the bullets in your chamber are for. Chase him out into your garage and finish the job while he's wailing for mercy, cowering behind your dad's lawn mower.

You can also impale a vampire on moose antlers hanging on your wall before you shoot it. Or set him on fire. Or shoot holes through a closet he's hiding in so that the sun comes in and burns him! I guess you could also stake a vampire through the heart, and then shoot it in the face. There's lots of flexibility so don't let Internet haters tell you that you are doing it wrong.

Note: Sometimes vampires hide in trees, like elfs. You just need to have a steady aim and you can pick them off. (Basically the same as you would shoot Legolas if you had to.)

Okay, the second part of the problem - How do you explain a dead vampire to the authorities?

I suggest pulling a "Ianto" and using acid to burn the finger-prints off. Then freeze the corpse in your morgue in case you need a fake one to cover-up a different 'incident' later. If you don't have a morgue, I guess you could tell the cops that the vampire was a terrorist. You could tell because he had shifty Al-Qaeda-like eyes and fangs.

In cases where you've killed a Welsh vampire, let Gwen know and she will go sort it out with the locals. She has a special outfit for those very occasions. I call it the Erin 'Slaggovich'. I know it works because somehow I signed the requisition form for her Inada H.9 Massage Chair. I don't remember doing that but those tits in that dress was obviously a good enough reason.

If really desperate, you could sit in that interrogation room and say nothing except "TORCHWOOD!"

Eventually they'll track me down and I'll come sort it all out in a handsome way. You might end-up indebted to me for a five-year period, though. Just warning you in case you have family you want to say good-bye to before you disappear.

Yrs helpfully,

Cpt. Jack Harkness

 

Tags:
 
 
My 51st century feelings today : mellowvigilant
 
 
 
ruth76ruth76 on April 12th, 2009 07:25 pm (UTC)
So would you not recommend having some fun sexy-time with Mr Vampire before shooting him in the face?
ask_captainjack: Sexyask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 07:27 pm (UTC)
Fun time with a vampire? Gross! Why do you ask? Are you looking for someone to bite you in the neck? I'm not saying I'm up for it but...(LOL of course I'm up for it.)
(no subject) - ruth76 on April 12th, 2009 07:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 07:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ruth76 on April 12th, 2009 08:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 07:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ruth76 on April 12th, 2009 08:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 08:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 08:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 08:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Martha Jones, MD: I am skepticalask_arealdoctor on April 12th, 2009 07:34 pm (UTC)
Jack, that is absolutely awful. I don't know which is worse, your vampire delusions or your implication that menstruation might impede a woman's health and cognitive function. That's so bloody sexist, if I didn't know better I'd think you were from the 21st century! Shame on you!

Sleepless, I know exactly how you feel. All through university, med school and my student doctor assignment (an American would call that my internship) I was running myself ragged. This is what I figured out:

First, watch your diet. Students live on cheap processed food, mostly carbs. You need to make sure you're getting enough vitamins and proteins (do not start with the protein jokes, Jack!). Fresh veggies and lean meats and fish are the way to go. No, fish and chips does not count! Try a nice salad with poached salmon. You can cook the salmon in the microwave in minutes!

Also, get out into the fresh air when you can. Get out of the library and do your study prep on campus. Take breaks, stretch and refocus your eyes on something besides small print. Some form of aerobic exercise would be brilliant as well -- if nothing else, go on a nice brisk walk sometime during the day.

If you do suffer menstrual cramps, try yoga or pilates. White wine and chocolate can't hurt either! (Red wine contains tannins and will just give you a hellish headache.)

Good luck with your studies!
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 07:40 pm (UTC)
White wine, chocolates!? Martha you can't have romantic shit like that around a dorm-room. It's like giving Vampires a GREEN LIGHT for sexy blood-sucking. In Vampire culture, GREEN LIGHT equals GO!

And don't lecture me on menstruation. When 21st century humans menstruate it makes them off-balance. I've seen the adverts. It can't be healthy to lose all that blue liquid every month.

(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on April 12th, 2009 07:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 07:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on April 12th, 2009 07:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 07:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 07:57 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on April 12th, 2009 08:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 08:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on April 12th, 2009 08:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 08:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on April 12th, 2009 08:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on April 12th, 2009 08:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on April 12th, 2009 08:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 09:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 08:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on April 12th, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
woman_of_: Ami fanged fourwoman_of_ on April 12th, 2009 07:39 pm (UTC)
Oh Jack, so helpful. So many fall victum to the illure of a vampire. It is good to know what to do when that happens!

And no pesky little stake that might give you splinters either!
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 07:41 pm (UTC)
Yeah there's no point to a stake. HA HA HA! My puns are amazing.

I mean, it's fun and everything, but a lot of work for your stabbing arm. If you have weak girl arms like Owen did, a stake was no help.

What else would a young person have a gun for if not to shoot a vampire? That's the definition of self-defense right there!
(no subject) - woman_of_ on April 12th, 2009 07:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 07:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - woman_of_ on April 12th, 2009 07:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - woman_of_ on April 12th, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - dru_evilista on April 12th, 2009 08:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:22 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - woman_of_ on April 12th, 2009 08:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
dynamite with a laser beam: Buffy/Spike Cause It's Wrong51stcenturyfox on April 12th, 2009 07:43 pm (UTC)
What if the vampire is hot?

Can't you just chip it in the head (rendering it unable to kill innocents) instead of shooting it in the face?

Then you can chain the vampire up in the bathtub and give him butcher store blood and have lots of sex.

Win/win situation. Y/N?
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 07:47 pm (UTC)
Whoa, that's a lot of work for messy sex. You can hire people for that sort of thing you know!

I'm not saying you go and get an employee just for sex, obvs. But if you're lucky your new secretary might bring the topic up when he's brushing past you in the hallway on Level 51.
(no subject) - 51stcenturyfox on April 12th, 2009 08:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - 51stcenturyfox on April 12th, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - 51stcenturyfox on April 12th, 2009 08:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 08:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - andreth47 on April 12th, 2009 10:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 10:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - andreth47 on April 12th, 2009 10:22 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 10:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - andreth47 on April 12th, 2009 10:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 10:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - andreth47 on April 12th, 2009 10:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 10:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - andreth47 on April 12th, 2009 10:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 10:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - andreth47 on April 12th, 2009 10:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 10:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - andreth47 on April 12th, 2009 10:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - 51stcenturyfox on April 12th, 2009 10:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - andreth47 on April 12th, 2009 10:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 10:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - andreth47 on April 12th, 2009 10:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 12th, 2009 10:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - andreth47 on April 12th, 2009 10:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 12th, 2009 10:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - andreth47 on April 12th, 2009 10:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
hab318princess on April 12th, 2009 07:54 pm (UTC)
hey, Jesus loves everyone! He may not approve of their behaviour, but that is a totally different story!

Happy Resurrection Sunday!
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 07:58 pm (UTC)
Although I haven't met him yet I'm confident he'd approve of me. Look at these teeth! And the awesome way I wipe out aliens!
(no subject) - hab318princess on April 12th, 2009 08:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 12th, 2009 09:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 12th, 2009 09:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 12th, 2009 09:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - hab318princess on April 12th, 2009 10:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 10:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hab318princess on April 12th, 2009 10:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on April 12th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hab318princess on April 12th, 2009 09:22 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on April 12th, 2009 09:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hab318princess on April 12th, 2009 09:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - timeagency on April 13th, 2009 04:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 13th, 2009 04:25 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oh_doask on April 13th, 2009 09:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
Ianto Jones: sadask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 07:55 pm (UTC)
Gwen's dress itself induces neck-biting urges, which is handy because it attracts vampires and then we can pre-emptively shoot them in the face before they blind us with sparkles.

I always enjoy our vampire runs. Makes a little variety from Weevils and Humans Who Have Lost Sight Of Their Humanity.
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:02 pm (UTC)
TOTALLY. The amount of HuWhoHu we see in our work is downright depressing. Man's Inhumanity to Man is one of those reoccuring Torchwood themes that prove our adventures are better than Sarah Jane's, though!
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 08:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on April 12th, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 12th, 2009 10:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on April 12th, 2009 08:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 12th, 2009 08:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_aboutcoffee on April 12th, 2009 09:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Gwen Cooper: Badass Fairy Cakegwen_e_cooper on April 12th, 2009 08:10 pm (UTC)
The dress is definitely for entrapment of vampire aliens and not for requesting massage chairs (and that ergonomic mouse).

When I want something from you, Jack, I just wave a fairy cake under your nose.


Hmm. But what if I should make a request while wearing the dress and waving a fairy cake?
Martha Jones, MDask_arealdoctor on April 12th, 2009 08:15 pm (UTC)
Gwen! How can you stand working for someone who thinks menstruation makes a woman incapable? For a 51st century bloke, he can be such a pig sometimes!
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 12th, 2009 08:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_arealdoctor on April 12th, 2009 08:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 12th, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gwen_e_cooper on April 12th, 2009 08:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(Deleted comment)
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC)
I

FUCKING

LOVE

YOUR

ICON!
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 13th, 2009 02:44 am (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 13th, 2009 02:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - hab318princess on April 12th, 2009 09:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Ciaranandreth47 on April 12th, 2009 10:10 pm (UTC)
(Basically the same as you would shoot Legolas if you had to.)

Oh, jesus, CAN I?? Please?
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 10:14 pm (UTC)
Only if you have to, Andreth. I'm trusting you to make the judgement call.

Cases in which this is more than likely permissible:
- Somebody is taking the hobbits to Isengard
- Orcs!
- Goblins!
(no subject) - andreth47 on April 12th, 2009 10:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 12th, 2009 10:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
their tongues battled for dominancestarstealingirl on April 13th, 2009 12:43 am (UTC)
Note: Sometimes vampires hide in trees, like elfs.

And also like fairies, right?
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 13th, 2009 12:57 am (UTC)
UNHAPPILY, YES. But everyone knows you can't just shoot fairies in the face. It doesn't solve anything. It doesn't save your trainload of hot soldiers at all!

I'd be feeling low at the very thought of those goddamn fairies it weren't for the sight of your great looking tits in your icon!
(no subject) - starstealingirl on April 13th, 2009 01:34 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ask_captainjack on April 13th, 2009 01:44 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - starstealingirl on April 13th, 2009 01:57 am (UTC) (Expand)
timeagencytimeagency on April 13th, 2009 04:35 am (UTC)
So you have a vampire infestation? I wondered about the 21st, with its odd obsession with vampires as sexy rather than as the Evil Blood Sucking Menace they really are. Good for you, Jack, advising her to shoot them in the face. Only way to go, I tell ya!
ask_captainjackask_captainjack on April 13th, 2009 11:49 am (UTC)
The 21st century is dazzled by vamps. It's not their fault, they don't know any better. Thank god they've got clearer heads (ours!) to give out good face-shooting advice.
Bones: thinkingbone_lady on April 16th, 2009 02:58 am (UTC)
Ok, this post I find...bothersome. Here's why. I completely agree with Martha about school. I was the same way in grad school as I was finishing my Ph.D. and my minor in medicine. I spent long hours at night writing, working on experiments, and examining bones. There were plenty of metal things about to wedge into vampires (hacksaws, bonesaws, sharp pointed calipers, scalpels, you get the point). Never saw one, nor felt one breathing down my neck. For me, it was a simple matter of work exhaustion.

I mean lets think about this seriously Capt. You fit the bill for a vampire too. You lived for well over 100 years. You don't sleep much. You're also nocturnal. You like to bite...as well as the erotic sensation that goes with biting. I mean how do we know the Doctor really left you there...you could be a lone vampire. That canter of brandy in your office could very well be something else....;-). If you are a vampire, you're the sexiest one ever and if you're not, well you're still sexah... So help if you are I offer my neck for feeding so your sexy self won't starve.
ask_captainjack: Sexyask_captainjack on April 16th, 2009 03:28 am (UTC)
Hey hey hey hey, none of that vampire business!

When I bite sexy necks it's completely consensual.

As consensual as it could possibly be when I've captured you with my gorgeous gaze (SEE ICON!).

Please don't question the Doctor's motivations. He had a reason. I was "wrong", not wrong in a vampire kind of way. "Wrong" in a timelord kind of way. Completely not my fault.
(no subject) - bone_lady on April 18th, 2009 01:43 am (UTC) (Expand)