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22 June 2009 @ 05:48 pm
Dear Captain Jack,

Okay. Here we go then. There's this guy, and I like him a lot. I'm not talking like I want to make the beast with two backs or nothing, but he's a nice dude and I value his bon mots, even though we are just online "friends". You couldn't see me make the air quotes, but imagine that I quoted the hell out of the air just then.

There's one problem. He doesn't know my name! I don't mean that he doesn't know who I am, I mean that he keeps getting it wrong! I don't get it. My name is right there in my livejournal replies. When he gets an email notification that I've replied to a comment, my name is right there in the box: "amand-r has replied to a comment in your livejournal entry!"

I've been called many things on the internet, and I understand that in the excitement that is the BLOGOSPHERE, there are bound to be miscommunications. It just makes me a sad panda to see that MY NAME IS REPEATEDLY INCORRECT.

Should I shoot this dude in the face? Or is that too harsh? I was thinking of writing a strongly-worded passive-aggressive email. Or maybe I could go to the secret organization where he works and like, make paper airplanes with the correct spelling of my name and just toss them down into the hole in the ground whenever the "invisible lift" opens. (Wow, I'm really slamming the air quotes today!)

What do you think? Would a fruit basket work? Baked goods? I see that there's a new bakery/delivery service called "Strumpets N' Crumpets." Perhaps he'd be more inclined to listen to me if I sent a stripper armed with traditional British tea fare. Or maybe I should send lube? I hear that lube often takes the friction out of uncomfortable situations.

Love, kisses and paper airplanes (smeared with lube),


Darling, how many shekels of silver is it going to take to make this right?Collapse )
My 51st century feelings today : crappyapologetic
Dear Captain Jack,

Here I was, living in the first few years of the twenty-first century, and feeling really good about how all-inclusive we were all being. I mean, men and women, men and men, women and women, dogs and cats, it all seemed so wonderful and idyllic.

But now I find I'm in a Miss Manners Etiquette Quandary from Hell. Only Captain Jack can answer this one for me.

My husband and I are very close friends with a lesbian couple (get your mind out of the gutter, Harkness -- this is an etiquette question). And he has donated his sperm to them for them to have a baby. The baby's about to be born. The two women are the baby's mothers, and clearly my husband is the father.

But what do I refer to myself as?

Surely by the 51st century, familial groupings have totally different names to them. Is there an appropriate title that I can use?

Questioningly yours,


The mention of lesbians isn't enough to put my mind in the gutter. What are the lesbians wearing?Collapse )
My 51st century feelings today : determineddetermined
16 June 2009 @ 07:33 pm

Dear Captain Jack, I was going to write you a much longer email begging for your help but outlook ATE IT while I was typing. *kicks microsoft*

I guess I'll get to the point...... Shoot this 21st century problem if you could!

I find my job boring. I'm good at what I do and it's reasonable hours (9-5) but it's not my passion. The economy isn't stable these days so I'm pleased just to be working and making really good money. When I think about it its probably the best salary I've ever had for the work I do in my field.

My girlfriend likes that I'm making money but since she's an artist she prefers that I have a cool job too as I did when we met. A friend of hers from school is a professional psychic - lets call her Mara - who reads auras for a living. My girlfriend (who is not crazy honestly) thinks Mara can look at my aura and give me career direction. I've been fighting going to see this woman with all my might. I don't think she can know what's best for me by holding my palm. You used to be a con man, what do you think?

- Skeptical in California -


This may come as a shock to you, but I can read auras!Collapse )
My 51st century feelings today : sleepysleepy
Dear darling Captain Jack, are you guys going to participate in Blog Like It's The End of the World Day next saturday? The way it works is that on June 13th you post on your blog (livejournal) that zombies are attacking. You describe what's going on in your spot in the world and link to other journals. You'll see people tagging 'bliteotw'.


It's insanely fun, we all did it last year. I thought of you when I saw the emails for this year. By The Way I think of you A LOT (sexily maybe?). 

I'm sending you some internet kisses xxxx P.C. MANDY
Sorry, I didn't have time to pretend zombies are attacking. I had to fight fucking zombies!Collapse )
My 51st century feelings today : workingINSTRUCTIVE
11 June 2009 @ 06:58 pm
Have you ever been to the WHSmith at the airport? I mean, deliberately?

I FUCKING LOVE IT. The miserable feeling of solidarity with other trapped travellers. The shitty awesome books.

I like to wander around and poke at the paperbacks you can take with you (in your hands) when you travel. Torchwood never flies commercial. When folks ask, "When does your flight depart?" I just LOL and lean on something in a jaunty manner. "Whenever I say it does, sweetheart."

In the 51st we don't have spaceport book shops. We just have laminated transporter pad safety instructions. You're supposed to read the card on the wall before you beam out, but nobody does.

I've always been jealous of Stephen King. Do you know who I mean? He writes movies that used to be books. His paperbacks have bitchin' covers. EVEN THE BOOK ABOUT STEPHEN KING HAS A BITCHIN' COVER.

The spooky font is coming out of his head!

Stephen's BOOK!

I have always felt that I deserve a fanfuckingtastic cover for my literature. But who would make one? Ianto is busy doing laundry. Martha is busy giving Ianto laundry. Hart only scrawls penises. Gwen can only draw men with fat noses :o) <-- WTF is that supposed to be? Rhys, I guess.

Fortunately, laurab1 came to my rescue!!!!
06 June 2009 @ 12:09 pm
It's my delight to inform you that MY FUCKING AWESOME BUTLER won a major award at the Children of Time Awards. He's a Best Site as voted by the Internet.

The Awards ceremony itself was epic. There was a red carpet. I brought the whole gang!

"So...Who was looking after the Rift, then?" you might ask. What a question! How about you and I go for some beer later and maybe you'll find yourself forgetting all about your burning inquiries.

ME at COT!
Me at the COT buffet.

Shannon said we could all have seats in the audience and she was true to her word. Why Hart had to sit on Martha's lap, I have no clue. :-(

I applauded in all the right spots; even for categories that had nothing to do with me. I endured all the Classic Who and Sarah Jane Adventure stuff like a hero.

I even sat still for things like: "Genfic". What the fuck does that even mean?

When Ianto's site came up on the big screen I hollered my encouragement with some vintage 20th century Arsenio Hall WHOOP WHOOPs.


When his win was announced I shrieked: "YES! GOOD CHOICE, INTERNET!" I thumped the seat in front of me. Sorry about that, ukcalico.

Later on that night I announced some more prize winners. Hey Ianto, you won Best. In Bed. You were the only nominee. But the qualification process was intensive.

Here's a list of what I powered through at the Children of Time Awards Buffet:

- Sausages
- Bacon
- Casserole
- Berries
- Teriyaki
- Chicken skewers (!!!)
- Pretzels
- Fried rice
- Pancakes
- Cream of Celery soup
- Salad Shrimps

Work my Celebration Poll hard!

Poll #1412017 My awesome awards poll

How should Captain Jack celebrate Ianto Jones?

Celebrate him with your cock!
Write him a bitchin' fanfic
Settle down, get MORE married
Commission a Franklin Mint collector coin series
I volunteer to celebrate him for you, Captain Jack!
My 51st century feelings today : jubilantjubilant

Dear Captain Jack: I'd be interested on some tips in the event of a alien infestation or swine flu or soviet attack. What's the best way to shoot something in the face? Is there a rule of thumb for this sort of thing?

With love from Bangerz n' Mash

Dear Captain Jack, your instructions to solve problems by shooting them in the face intrigue me. I'm a Canadian and we are not very weaponized up here. My Dad has a crossbow for shooting targets at the cottage... that's not really the same thing as carrying a handgun....

Since I didn't learn how to solve problems with face shooting can you give me a lesson? I'd like a sexy lesson if you don't mind. I want to learn! I will pay for your time in kind. I bake & I do laundry!

-- Catherine (Thunder Bay, Ontario)


A Quick Start Guide to Shooting Something in the Face: With Explanations by Captain Jack HarknessCollapse )
My 51st century feelings today : chipperchipper
31 May 2009 @ 04:19 pm
Dear Captain Jack! I love you. Thought you should know. My feelings are blazing hot! I wondered if you could share a story from your childhood with me. I'd feel so much closer to you and it would inspire me.

I'm spending ALL SUMMER WITH MY PARENTS!!!! Whenever I'm off term and home from school I think I regress into my younger self. I want to sit around with my mom and have her make me meatloaf and chicken fingers. Do you have a comfort food from Boe?

Is there macaroni and cheese in space?  I HOPE SO.

Kisses and kisses, to you and your missus,

Summer Girl Is Going Home this Weekend!

Have you ever made Piggin Pie? I guess that's a stupid question. Of course you haven't.Collapse )


My 51st century feelings today : curiousconcerned
28 May 2009 @ 05:18 pm

Dearest darling lovely Captain Jack,

I've got a problem! I'm a fairly normal female college student. I do normal college things like going to parties and getting so drunk I can't remember who I'm hitting on and reading gay porn on the internet. All of these are normal and expected and I feel no shame about them.

However! I have been in love with my straight female best friend for going on three years. At one point when I was making fun of her for being a poor little straight girl and she went HEY I TOTALLY LIKED A GIRL ONE TIME IN HIGH SCHOOL. I thought it was kind of cute, but false hope isn't cool. Another good friend of ours (male) confessed to her recently and, after rejecting him, she went back to treating him like a best friend. I don't think she'd hold it against me too much if I told her, but I'm a chicken. I'm also very very obvious. I'm always buying her things and trying to be cuddly and other ridiculous stuff.

Jack! Should I confess? She probably already knows, it's mostly about getting it off my chest. Is it worth it? SHOULD I TAKE THE DIVE? Tell me!

-Annoying girl seeking her annoyed girl


I've been rejected by Time Lords. That's worse than being rejected by straight girls.Collapse )
My 51st century feelings today : contemplativecontemplative
24 May 2009 @ 03:57 pm
Dear Captain Jack: I respectfully request to see your business cards, as they must be made of awesome!

Hope you got to shoot something in the face today.

You are sexy-ly yours, Kathy


Kathy, you know that Psychic Paper the Doctor uses...?Collapse )


My 51st century feelings today : workingbusiness